HA! Yeah, no, I still wear my necklace. Sorry, back-reading again.
The necklace. But then it has become so much more than what it used to represent. Yes, he gave me two of the items that hang on it- but I was happy when he gave them to me, and I don't like to carelessly throw away bits of happiness that represent what good came out of everything. So my representation has morphed. It used to be about moving on while holding onto a love so tightly because I didn't know how to live without it - now its about acceptance. Symbolism is a wonderful thing, it gives me physical representation of love and heart break, of pain and grief, or happiness and triumphant confidence. Moments, that make a life...so far, its all been worth it - I'm curious what tomorrow will bring. Nevermind. It was exactly what it was, and I was a hopeful fool. Shocking. He was trying to be something he wasn't. He even had me convinced- he said all the right things, but he wanted change over night, something I could not give him. He wanted commitment without any effort, he wanted things to just be, to exist the way he wanted them too...but life doesn't work that way. Its hard work, it takes time and dedication. It takes stumbling steps and controversial words, and then the right ones that put us straight again. It take heaven and hell, and the happiness you find in between together. Its a pain in the ass. If it wasn't, would it really be worth it? Nothing worth it is ever easy. So I guess, at the end of all this, I wasn't worth it. To him anyway. He just flipped that switch so fast- there was no time, no way to change even if I wanted to. He's a child. The man who I had loved, who I thought loved me- who went from being my best friend to being the cruelest individual, a man who was warm and loving, to instantly cold and untrusting- angry and bitter - all because he could never understand why I walked away, never would take the moment to understand my side, never giving me the time of day to reflect on how I may have felt. Never once taking blame on himself, it was all me, I'm the one who ruined it, I'm the one who left. And here we are again. Full fucking circle. Oh, but this time is very different. I know I've done everything now. I know I've tried, over and over again to be apart of his life. I've gone into the fire apologizing for something I believed in, and I've come out on the other side alone. And this time, I'm not going back. This time, it really is the end. I've finally realized that he will never change, that he will be the person I already knew him to be. Always playing the victim, always running away from his problems, blaming the world for his own inner destruction. And I know I can't save him. I've accepted it now. We were never partners. He never loved me. And now I have the proof I needed to finally let him go. We are at the end. I will have to burn it. I need some kind of symbolism that represents this. The necklace is the symbolism of all of that. And I can let the fire take them, or I can hide it away. I can let it exist alone, where I go on without it. Only to reflect years later, when I find it. I guess, however I do it, I'll make it important in my head and in my heart.
And so we are finally at the end...goodbye. Well that was unexpected. You know how, sometimes, you spend years thinking about a situation in one particular way- and it you remember all the things that brought you to that one conclusion, and you think, because the other person involved never said anything that made the difference, that there is no other conclusion but the one you finally came to...
And then years later, something that would have made the most incredible difference comes out; and that scenario you had built into your head, the arguments, the fights, the sexless runaround of laziness and sadness- its not what you thought at all. He was in a totally different place then I had naturally assumed; but does it make any difference now? No. Unfortunately not. It would have been an entirely different situation if he had said something then, but he didn't. He made his choice. And I made mine. Ugh, why do these things have to be so complicated? "We need to stop selling relationships as the answer to a problem to being single. They're both different ways of living your life that have advantages and disadvantages, and being in a relationship, there is no point where at which it magically stops being work. You feel like its going to be a relief of the work of looking for someone, but no, its the work of being with another person and making room for another person in your life..." -Emily Heller on "Why Won't You Date Me" Podcast with Nicole Byer Episode #4 - The Science Behind Dating Apps (w/Emily Heller) Looking in the mirror like
Maybe I will find myself tonight I ask for a better mind Then tap into the site through my third eye I had never realized I thought I had chosen my design, I thought I was broken all this time I don't want to love no more Though it's the one thing I've been searching for, though it's the one thing that I miss the most Now, I'm afraid to be alone. Well, it's certainly a slow process. Slow going as I imagined it would be. I'm not back to talking to myself yet, that's how you know I've really accepted my life for what it is. Not yet- I'm still stuck in my head and stuck in my heart. I've been working to try and freeze it over, numb it back out to where it was. And then sometimes I cry. It hits me randomly; while I'm making a cup of tea, vacuuming the living room, or making notes for work - regular, every day things that make me feel like I'm pushing forward when, really, I'm standing still. Time keeps flowing, and I'm standing completely still on this trail of events, some have happened to me, some just happen around me - and I try to feel something outside of myself. It's always easier to focus on everyone else's problems then it is to focus on your own. So that's what I'll do. For now. And soon I'll be far away, and I get to enjoy my days in the sun with nothing else on my mind but sunshine and morning mimosas, and beautiful evenings enjoying this fantastic view.
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Wisdom
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