As Abed puts it so nicely: I'm back. Took a month off since my recent entries had done a spiral around all the same problems, it seemed to me that I needed to finally solve my shit rather than complain about it.
So I did. I accepted what needed accepting.
This is the shit I finally took care of:
I finally let go of a love, a memory, and a part of myself that was holding me back. I finally said I was done. I FINALLY got angry enough to know I am better than what I was letting myself become, and I deserved more (I'll come back to that one). While my words are still true and my heart still loves to the utmost of my being, I have finally accepted what is real, what is true. I have finally moved on, let go, and embraced myself.
Side note: I actually realized - that after all the crying, and the heartbreak, and the soul-searching, I allowed myself to understand what I was protecting myself from (understanding allows way to healing) - that I don't need a replacement, that I don't NEED him to make ME happy, that I don't NEED him to WANT me for me to live my life the way I want to, and that loving him and being with him are two very different things and based on everything we have every been through together and apart, right now, where I am, is exactly how it should be.
And so I continue...
I finished college, FINALLY, and have acquired my associates degree. I am moving into a bigger and better apartment. Hopefully, I'll be getting a raise as well to help me financially deal with said new apartment. I'm working a shit ton of over time. Which is exhausting and motivational; but also gives me drive and focus on my future. I think I finally know what I'm fighting for, what I want, and I'm not sure WHEN I'll get there, but I definitely know, that I can. And that's half the battle, right?
I digress... Went out and adopted two little kittens that are now my pride and joy. This also being a solution to another small problem I had for a while: needing an actual REASON to WANT to go home. I didn't want to be so lonely at my own apartment any more. I come from a large family, and for the last several years, I went from living with my parents to living with my boyfriend's mother to living with my boyfriend to moving back in with my parents - and then at the end of ALL that, I finally got a place of my own; and I think I expected more independence, more enthusiasm from myself, more excitement. And I think in those first couple of weeks while I was moving my furniture and making the apartment my own, I did feel that way. And then it was gone. One day I woke up and I realized I didn't want to be there. I wanted to be anywhere but there. |
But I have a reason now. And I'm going to make my life better so I can in turn make their life better. I'm going to be the best person I can be. I'm going to find happiness in my job, my family, and my boys. I'm going to find happiness in my friends. I'm going to be me. The best me I know I can be. I might not go out as much, and I might not see everyone all the time like I used to, but by taking this road, I am making sacrifices that are necessary for everything that I want in my life. I will sacrifice my Fridays and Saturdays to work instead of party. I will sacrifice my time and my money for my boys (not that I mind, look how cute they are!). I will sacrifice vacations and spending money at bars. At this point, it's like I'm taking an oath. And maybe that's what it is. I've been saying it for weeks now in my head, and now that I've finally got it all written down in type, my motivation feels that much stronger and my focus is that much sharper. Cool. Cool, cool, cool.