I've been searching for a
trail to follow again Take me back to the night we met And then I can tell myself What the hell I'm supposed to do And then I can tell myself Not to ride along with you I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you Take me back to the night we met I don't know what I'm supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you Take me back to the night we met -GAVIN MIKHAIL, THE NIGHT WE MET
"To be honest when she holds me the whole world disappears."
I can't stand to see you stand alone, follow my voice because it's you I want,and you alone can make everything fall into place, all i ever wanted was you, all i ever wanted was you, there isn't anything left to prove, cause all i ever wanted was you. can't you see that I've made my mind up, and it's all for you, you never really understand till you see it close up, but with you it was clear from my face, all i ever wanted was you, all i ever wanted was you, there isn't anything left to prove, cause all i ever wanted was you, and i'll wait it out, i will wait it out, just to see you smile -NICK WILSON, ALL I EVER WANTED WAS YOU
Happy new year to all those who need a new year most, to all those who wish to start fresh, to all those who wish to leave the past behind and begin again. It's funny, the last two or three new years, I haven't exactly been myself. It's strange because I know that we keep growing and we keep changing as human beings, new experiences, good or bad, new people, new places; but I've been stagnant for so long, I was convinced only a little while ago that I lost myself completely. And I'm not sure if it's like this for everyone, but when I lose myself, I float in limbo going about daily routines and keeping a normal attitude, but every night when I'm alone and I lay in bed, and the silence overwhelms me, I find myself crying. I didn't know how to explain it for the longest time; I was so numb and empty even to my own consciousness that I couldn't realize who I was or even who I am now. The only difference for me is that I consciously and even subconsciously keep it to myself - it's not like holding it in like an introvert might, hold all your feelings in until you explode - no, this is different, this is something so much deeper, like I've accepted something so far beyond me that it's the simplest solution to keep moving forward, to keep breathing, and just ignore that part of my mind. It's an acceptance so deep and hidden that it was easy to ignore. And then certain events from my past started coming back into play and it all became relevant again, like all this time I was drowning underwater, never dying but never reaching the surface, and then all of sudden, I came up for air and I could breathe again, I could genuinely smile again, I had a small part of him again and it wasn't gone, it wasn't lost, it was there, and it was brilliant. It was so subtle to all those around me and yet so intense for me. And it felt so good to breathe again, to take those metaphorical gasps of air and fill my lungs with their true purpose. And then there's the uncertainty right back at it again, sitting right there heavy on my heart. It's so possible that he'll never want to try again, so possible that he'll run away from me, that he'll let me walk away, and it's so possible because I have no control in it, I have no control over what he wants. So now it's just a matter of accepting again, accepting that which I cannot control, that which I cannot change. I know me, in the end. Which is a nice feeling to have back. And it's taken me so long just to say it out loud to myself, but I've always known what I wanted, because I know me; I love deeply and it lasts for my entire life time for me. I've always known that I want him to be in my life, but is that too selfish, because I don't think I'm any good for him; and that has nothing to do with my own insecurities or my own uncertainty, that's just a statement based on that fact that I know him so well, and am I the best partner he could have, am I the best choice? Am I his strength or his enabler? Am I his happiness or his reminder of all his sadness? Am I his ending rather than his beginning? Am I his death rather than his life? These were some of the questions I asked myself the six months before I made one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make in my lifetime. If I had spent a little bit more time thinking about what I wanted, I would probably still be there. But then, could I look myself in the mirror every day after and tell myself that I really love him? Can you do that to someone you truly love, someone you love more than your own life? Could you trap them in their own oblivion and euphoria and without them even knowing, have complete control over the entire situation. I didn't want the control, I never wanted it, control isn't love, it's domination. I just wanted to love him with everything I was and everything I would have been. I just wanted a partner.
Well, it may be a new year, and to all those starting fresh, I wish you the very best; but for me, it's still 2015 and I guess in my case, I've been stuck in the past for a very long time. It's not so bad, I'll find a way to figure things out at some point, just not today. Here's a few slow songs that end my 2017, they're sad and speak from the soul, but it's the lyrics that really hit home for a lot of these. If you've been reading for a while, then you might have some idea of what I'm talking about, it's a feeling, a feeling so deep, so exciting, so scary, and so vast, that there is nothing else to do except shut down and listen and maybe shed a few tears. Not in a bad way, just in a - I might not have shit together like I thought - way. Good luck to all of us!
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia And forget about the stupid little things Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you And the memories I never can escape If today, I woke up with you right beside me Like all of this was just some twisted dream; I'd hold you closer than I ever did before And you'd never slip away, you'd never hear me say: I remember the day you told me you were leaving I remember the makeup running down your face And the dreams you left behind, you didn't need them Like every-single wish we ever made I wish that I could wake up with amnesia And forget about the stupid little things Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you And the memories I never can escape 'Cause I'm not fine at all... I'm really not fine at all... Tell me this is just a dream I'm really not fine at all -GAVIN MIKHAIL, AMNESIA |
Wisdom
All we have are words, hot coffee, and a keyboard; and it's all we really need. Archives
June 2023
Categories
All
|