I need to cry. I need to react. Why can't I just let it go and understand the situation; understand that being emotionally invested from the beginning was too much, it was probably too overwhelming for everyone involved. I do that sometimes. I knew I was going to fuck something up. I just knew it. I think I'm holding on because there's this little glint of hope still sitting in my chest that keeps telling me I'm wrong, that this is going where I want it to go, that I'm overthinking everything and I'm just being crazy. I do that sometimes too. I'm doing everything I can to surpass all my insecurities, all the little things that I can blow out of proportion and create some crazy reason why its not working out in my favor, or why I don't deserve it. I probably don't deserve it any way, it all seemed too easy, too natural - I pushed too hard too fast and I'm sure it didn't go unnoticed. I always scare people away, it's kind of my thing I guess. Not the greatest attribute, but I don't know how to not be that person. I have to be straight forward, I have to be totally honest, I have to be the person that lays everything right on the line and asks if you're either in or you're out, is it a yes or a no...I have to know, because I can't read anyone's mind and I have no control over anything other than my own thoughts, in which case, I drive my own mind crazy with my distorted irrationalities, going back and forth between reason and what I know to what I don't know and what I may never know. And then there's the sad fact that maybe what I had when I was younger wasn't there any more, maybe what made me attractable was who I used to be and now that I'm older and, I would imagine, very different in the eyes of someone who hasn't spent time with me in the last 15 years, I'm just not what they expected, I'm not who they remember; and then maybe, they just realized that they didn't want this to begin with, it was just some grand sense of nostalgia, a lost feeling from years ago that seemed to fuel the desire and now that its been experienced, the desire is gone. That's a pretty profound thought, but even when I read it to myself, there is this little piece of me that is screaming at me that I'm wrong, that I'm being ridiculous - and this annoying little voice is the reason why I haven't cried or let my feelings go yet. And that's my sad little story and only further accentuates how clearly messed up I am right now.
Perhaps, another time, or another place;
Their laughs would mingle with ours If love did not run in split directions They would build their love like two soaring towers Whilst all the world sleeps at night I lie awake, wondering; eyes wide Whispering, a dark secret, a sadness How the waves of life crash and come in with the tide Love grows, both slowly and fast And choices are made that are hard to undo I think of a day when a choice will be made That will make this dark secret come true There is very little time before it is too late Her laughter will be miles away Months will pass and the distance will keep His laugh will hide, only to stay Perhaps, another time, or another place; Their love would be real and true If it were another time or place They would realize their love too It seems so clear to me That if life had turned out different They would be together and happy And they would understand their commitment They would grow together rather than alone And they would laugh at silly fights They would be normal, but still special And they would treat each other right The future holds so much beauty If willing to make the right decision But sometimes, people are a little too late And going back or starting over is not what they envision Perhaps, another time, or another place Our lives would be completely changed But that is another time and place; My dark secret, my minds estrange -Alexandra Factor Written: April 24, 2014 _Honestly, tonight, or this morning rather…I do not know where to begin. I only know my ending; when I say good night and head off to bed, I will dream of these things that I have written, dream of the heart and the courage that I wish to have, and dream of what life would be like as another person, born to another time.
Bella & Edward; Achilles & Briseis; Acheron & Tory. They are so perfect, and yet they are so far beyond perfect. Their pain, their pasts, their lifestyles are what make them perfect. They know what it is like to lose and to fail. They understand what it is to go so long without something, that when they finally receive it, they hold onto it. They embrace it. They never fear it. They fight hard to keep what they have waited so long to have, and they love it with every inch of their bodies, hearts, and souls. To love like that seems nearly impossible. Honor, pride, love, courage…it almost seems so meaningless today. All we have are the stories we read, and the history that we can reflect on. Ha. I don’t want a normal life. Then again, if I had the choice, would I take the chance for something more amazing? I honestly don’t know. A smart person would say no; a smart person would be happy with what they have. I want to be that person, but at the same time, if I was given the choice and turned away from it, would I regret it for the rest of my life? Would I wish I had taken that one chance, that one risk that could have changed the course of my life forever? I don’t know. Let’s hope an opportunity like that doesn’t pop up any time soon. Good night. What is forever to me? I cannot touch it or feel it, I cannot smell it or move it. Forever is a state of mind. A state of mind that can be altered no matter who you are. So what is 'forever'?
Forever is not the future or how long you'll be together. Forever is yesterday, and all the days before. And no matter who you love tomorrow, and no matter who loves you back, you'll always have a forever of yesterdays. The memories of yesterdays, the sadness of your past, the happiness of your days alive, every day from now until the day you die is unknown because you don't have those days yet and you don't know if you ever will, however, yesterdays are the days that even if you die today, those days will live forever in your soul and all the souls that shared that yesterday with you. And when I say I will love you forever, I don't mean that we'll be together for years in the little dream house with the white picket fence. I don't mean that you'll be mine forever and you'll never be with someone else. I mean that even if we are not together tomorrow, even if our "us" turns its back on me and you, I will still forever love you, because every day for all this time we have been together, every word we meant and every word we didn't mean, every lie we told and every honest mistake that we made, we made it together and every tomorrow will never change how I felt yesterday with you. Forever. A word that scares so many people into leaving their partner because they are scared of that state of mind, because in some minds, forever comes off as such a long and time consuming word, because forever means that something never ends. Forever [fawr-ev-er, fer-] adverb 1. without ever ending; eternally: to last forever. Sometimes it's good to let it scare you a little bit, because sometimes you are so caught up in your past that a little kick into the future is a good thing. Though, most people let forever scare them into believing that they are stuck, now they feel trapped and they can't handle the pressure of being stuck with one thing or one person for the rest of their lives. Every day, in and out, all day long...sounds like forever. Human beings are such impatient creatures; as if change ever comes lightly or quickly. |
Wisdom
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