I need to cry. I need to react. Why can't I just let it go and understand the situation; understand that being emotionally invested from the beginning was too much, it was probably too overwhelming for everyone involved. I do that sometimes. I knew I was going to fuck something up. I just knew it. I think I'm holding on because there's this little glint of hope still sitting in my chest that keeps telling me I'm wrong, that this is going where I want it to go, that I'm overthinking everything and I'm just being crazy. I do that sometimes too. I'm doing everything I can to surpass all my insecurities, all the little things that I can blow out of proportion and create some crazy reason why its not working out in my favor, or why I don't deserve it. I probably don't deserve it any way, it all seemed too easy, too natural - I pushed too hard too fast and I'm sure it didn't go unnoticed. I always scare people away, it's kind of my thing I guess. Not the greatest attribute, but I don't know how to not be that person. I have to be straight forward, I have to be totally honest, I have to be the person that lays everything right on the line and asks if you're either in or you're out, is it a yes or a no...I have to know, because I can't read anyone's mind and I have no control over anything other than my own thoughts, in which case, I drive my own mind crazy with my distorted irrationalities, going back and forth between reason and what I know to what I don't know and what I may never know. And then there's the sad fact that maybe what I had when I was younger wasn't there any more, maybe what made me attractable was who I used to be and now that I'm older and, I would imagine, very different in the eyes of someone who hasn't spent time with me in the last 15 years, I'm just not what they expected, I'm not who they remember; and then maybe, they just realized that they didn't want this to begin with, it was just some grand sense of nostalgia, a lost feeling from years ago that seemed to fuel the desire and now that its been experienced, the desire is gone. That's a pretty profound thought, but even when I read it to myself, there is this little piece of me that is screaming at me that I'm wrong, that I'm being ridiculous - and this annoying little voice is the reason why I haven't cried or let my feelings go yet. And that's my sad little story and only further accentuates how clearly messed up I am right now.
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