Ten thousand reasons to give up. Too many words that piled up. But you refused to try and mend, your broken past before the end. Your heart's too hard to understand, that sands of time slipped through your hands. And no excuses can erase, the scars of time left on your face. If it's too hard to forgive, then just give. Let go of the weight that won't let you live. Why keep playing this sad game, of who should really take the blame. The memories will fade away. They're growing further every day. You want the stream to change its course, before it floods you with remorse. You only need to hit the brakes, to free yourself of your mistakes. If it's too hard to forgive, then just give. Let go of the weight that won't let you live. -GUMBALL WATTERSON (NICOLAS CANTU) THE AMAZING WORLD OF GUMBALL, "THE PARENTS" "IF IT'S TOO HARD TO FORGIVE" (COMPOSED BY XAV CLARKE) |
I finally deleted it. I've never hovered over a button for so long. I made the moment important; like I just took some metaphorical step towards another part of my future. The future without him in it. The further I get away, the more anxious and scared I become, and yet I'm moving toward it. I keep moving forward, because as much as I can't imagine my life without him in it, I think that's exactly what I need to do. Every step has taken me closer to the clarity of why a friendship at the end of everything isn't as possible as I always assumed it would be; but I realized that I can't move forward without coming to terms with the person I am without him, who I am alone. And then this is why I didn't want to move on, it was never that I couldn't, I didn't want to. He taught me so many things that are so apart of me, like breathing, they gave me life; music, art, sex, anger, pain, acceptance, and most of all, love- he taught me how to love so deeply and so profoundly that I'm still moving on some four odd years later. And I've never wanted to let any of it go, and maybe some would say I shouldn't, but in the end, I believe with all of who I am- the revelation I have come to in these past couple of weeks, is that I need to find my own music, my own art, and deal with my own pain the way I would, not how we would have.
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