I think that's a good thing.
Uncertainty is insecurity. Ignorance is fear. Such a scary predicament to be in and since it's been so long since I've been in it, facing it now seems almost impossible. How does one start over, start fresh when every dream needs to be re-imagined? And when those dreams come too fast or something that was impossible becomes a possibility again, how does one not run away from sheer fright or frustration? I honestly don't know what I'm doing and I've never felt so vulnerable, so exposed in all my life. I like to believe that I am confident in myself, my own rational thought, and I trust myself to make the right choices even when they are hard or seemingly impossible to make; but saying it and doing it is so different and just being able to recognize those moments seems hardest of all. And how do you tell someone they are important to you without scaring them away because it seems too early or too fast or for a million reasons that make me sound like a naive child. Or how to tell someone that you've already been broken, you've been down this road before, and since you have been slowly rebuilding some semblance of who you used to be, they make you feel good again. And if they don't return those feelings - I haven't dealt with rejection in so long, I forgot how to even approach it. I know my end result will be the same - this is because I am content with my own feelings and I know they are real and I will stand by them - but to accept someone else's choice whether it be in my favor or not - this takes all my focus and all my energy. I need to accept it. I have to accept it - but if that someone's answer is no, I won't want to accept it. Although, at that point, what I want will no longer matter, will no longer be of any importance. Love can only be real love if that love is returned willingly, it can never be forced or manipulated, it has to be earned. That's clearly where I am right now - I clearly have not earned anything. My impatience and my overwhelming emotions have kept me from seeing the truth behind my problem; that there is no problem. The questions I have been asking myself are unknown because the subject has not been breached and no actions have been taken to make me think that anything negative will eventually befall me. "Lips and tongues lie. Actions never do." Follow through with my actions, have patience, be honest, and be true to myself - everything else will fall into place as it should - and if it should fall apart, which is me simply stating that it could happen, then I will accept it wholeheartedly. When I accept someone into my heart, my life, my family, my world - I accept all of them, for who they are, for who they want to be, and for who they will be - and this includes letting them go if they do not see me in their future. As I would hope they would do for me if the situations were reversed. ...sometimes it sucks that I still miss him, that I still think about him. And then sometimes it reminds me of who I am.
I think that's a good thing.
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