Lately, I've been reflecting on the hard choices I've had to make in the last couple of years. The people that I have tried so hard to let go of or to keep, the life I have been trying so hard to live - the life I've been trying so hard to fulfill. I've been going over all these choices in my mind, circling around them, wondering how things could have turned out different if I approached them with a little more care or a little more finesse. And then I realized that if I had done just that, if I had taken my time, if I had let myself drown in the chaotic mixture of their feelings and my own...I would still be there. As much as the choices I needed to make were more for others involved, I won't pretend that in the end, it didn't serve my own benefit as well. And if I hadn't pushed myself to make a choice, I would still be exactly where I was, never moving forward, never changing for the better, never finding the happiness I know that I deserve. And it would never have opened those options up to all those involved, all those I loved - now they have the ability to move forward too, to find something, someone, so much better than what we were becoming together. And while it still hurts, a numbing physical pain that resonates from deep within my heart and mind, I know that I couldn't have made better choices at the time I made them. I couldn't have done anything different that would have spared anyone the pain or the anger. But a choice had to be made, and I made it, with great hesitation and with a heavy heart at my side the whole way.
I'm not going to say that we're only human, because I don't believe in an excuse that allows people an out - an excuse that lets people believe that they can't be any better, that this is who they are and nothing will ever change. Change will always be a choice - it's a really hard choice, but a choice nonetheless. You can be whoever you want to be or whoever you need to be in whatever moment you choose, whether you believe it or not. Or you can stay exactly the same, stuck in the idea of who you think you are and who you believe you will always be. The real question isn't why should I change for anyone else - the real question is why should I change for myself? You always have to come first. I always have to come first. And when this happens, you can grow together independently. No obligations. No impossible standards. No tests or games. No hypocritical bullshit. Just two people who accept who they are, who know they can always be better, who know they can always grow into understanding and make the choices that need to be made for themselves, while also accepting that it's the same for the other person. "I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine." - AYN RAND You are here to live for yourself, to be the best person you know you can be. You are here to learn, to fill your mind with knowledge and experiences. You are here to laugh and cry and to hit rock bottom and to find you have the strength to get back up again or to not find it at all. Searching for your own strength in what seems like impossible situations, and then finding it - it seems like such a small feat and yet to one person, it can be everything they have ever held dear, it can be just one person taking on the universe. You are here to affect other people, just as they are here to affect you, whether it's good or bad. One emotion-ridden angry word or one honest and genuine compliment can mean everything to one person, nothing to another, and indifference to someone else. It's called perspective. per·spec·tive pərˈspektiv/ noun plural noun: perspectives 1. a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view. "most guidebook history is written from the editor's perspective" synonyms: attitude, frame of mind, standpoint, interpretation, way of looking, approach, point of view "her perspective on things had changed" a. true understanding of the relative importance of things; a sense of proportion. "we must keep a sense of perspective about what he's done" - late Middle English (in the sense ‘optics’): from medieval Latin perspectiva (ars ) ‘science of optics,’ from perspect- ‘looked at closely,’ from the verb perspicere, from per- ‘through’ + specere ‘to look.’ People are always looking for some greater purpose, for some vast and extraordinary possibility - everyone wants to feel that special - and it's not a bad thing; special to a lover, special to your family, special to a higher power, special to your animals, special to your friends - it's human nature to want to be accepted, to want to be wanted - and generally, if you can't get any of that love from yourself, then you'll always be looking outward rather then inward, you'll always be dependent on others when you should be able to depend on yourself. This is why people struggle every day with the most famous of questions: Who am I? What am I doing here? What is my purpose? The majority of us, including myself, look to the support of all those around us all our lives, and when the day finally comes when its time for us to "recognize our purpose", to "get out on our own", our first reaction is confusion, which then leads to stress, depression, anger, and resentment. Or maybe for some of us, I know I felt this, we're so excited at first to feel that first burst of freedom, to feel satisfied with ourselves that we finally did it - and then as soon as that first problem hits - financially (having trouble making rent, can't pay to fill that stupid oil tank that you don't think should exist in modern society, etc.) - or emotionally (your roommate bails on you last minute, your boyfriend leaves you, you leave him, you get fired, etc) - you break down and all those emotions come pile-driving right into your face, the stress, depression, anger, resentment - And then we act out against the very people we were depending on before all this happened (like they don't have problems of their own, like they aren't dealing with the same shit you are) because if you don't understand yourself and you've been living through other people all this time rather than living through yourself, then who else would you look to blame for your confusion, for your distress? Your parents, your siblings, your friends, your lover - when you should look to yourself and set the blame. Not in a bad way. Blame has such a bad connotation attached to it, when really, blame is the first step to the choice of change or the choice of acceptance. Blame is the finger that points out the problem and knowing the problem can lead you to a solution. People and society in general make it about shame, about exposing your mistakes and throwing it in your face - and it works on people who are lost, they get defensive, feel like their self-esteem is being attacked, these are the people who haven't figured out yet that everyone makes choices and everyone makes mistakes and everyone finds one way or another how to deal with it. It's what we do, you can't avoid the necessity of choice. "Every man builds his world in his own image. He has the power to choose, but no power to escape the necessity of choice." - AYN RAND Here's a few questions: Did you make a choice relegated by fear, by anger, by sadness? Did you make a choice based on hope, or your own personal idea of some fantasy future you have pictured in your mind? Did you make a choice thinking you were going to get something back, that this choice would lead to a certain outcome that you really can't predict? These are your initial mistakes that lead to the later ones. When you have to make a choice, no matter what it is, whether it's as extreme as "should I pull the plug?" - "should I keep the baby?" - "should I leave him, our home, our children?" or as simple as "if I get my hair done or I lose weight, will he notice me?" - "should I make him jealous?". It doesn't matter if he notices you or if she notices you - there's no relying on false hope to make your choices, keep the baby because you have the confidence and the sheer will in yourself to love and provide for another human being, leave because you know that your settling and that staying isn't saving anyone, get your hair done because it makes you feel good and makes you feel sexy, lose weight because it makes you feel healthy, energized and motivated, and don't try and force something from someone that doesn't exist, recognize where you need to draw a line on your own emotions, stop trying to control what you cannot control - and then trust me, the person who notices you because you're just being you, is the person worth your time.
You are here because you were born - it doesn't matter where you come from, it doesn't matter who you come from, and it certainly doesn't matter where you might be going after this life comes to it's final end - what matters is how you make your choices every day, right now, and then in the end, what choices you decided to make. Own them, trust yourself to do what you believe is right, what you understand to be "the right choice", and hope that others around you do the same, but also know that they may not.
I've been surrounded by people all of my life. Family. Friends. Friends of friends. A part of me has never really known what it feels like to be truly and utterly alone; and yet, there are so many moments in my life that I can look back on, where I told myself I was feeling just that. I used to call it my nothingness. I always imagined what it would look like if the word could actually take a physical form; and in my mind, the image of an empty and dark room always came into view. The smell always reminded me of my old bedroom when it was stripped down to nothing but bare walls and bare floors. Shallow ceilings, a grungy light blue coloring to the walls with cracks in every corner. And me standing in the center of it. Not as a first person view, but my consciousness seeing myself as I believe I truly am. No emotion, no expression. Although, knowing myself, when I look at my own face, I would probably call a blank expression contentedness. Content to be in my nothingness, to accept it, to understand it. Nothingness; it was a type of emptiness that I just dealt with over the years. I believe that I am content with it because it was easier to make peace with something so deep and dark inside my own mind; to me, fighting against it means fighting your own self, it means pushing away when in reality, your own darkness and your light should be the main things in this world you ever truly understand. And by accepting them, you accept yourself. My understanding, my acceptance is my strength. Two weeks ago, my coworker - a very good friend, a smart and talented guy - died in his sleep. He was 42 years old. One day I saw him and the next, we were told that he was gone, and it didn't seem real; like someone was lying to us, like it was some cruel joke that none of us really got. The knowledge of him being gone hasn't changed the fact that I literally struggle to believe it. It's so strange to come to work every day and not see him there. I haven't had the heart to take down his time card. He started this season with us, I keep thinking that we should at least pretend he could finish it too. Some days, when I clock in and I see his time card, I forget that he's never coming back. It's like he's out sick or he took another day off of work to help his father. It just doesn't feel like the world has lost him completely, that we've lost him completely. I get a hard reminder when I sit down at my office desk and see the receipt sitting on my clipboard because I'm not really sure how to file it away. The memo from the check stub that says "Donation to Heath's Funeral" hits me randomly over the course of the day. And then when I look at my jam packed schedule hanging on my office wall, Wednesday, May 3rd stands out with green marker "Heath's Funeral". He would have been with us to the end of all this. And it would have been grand. You would think these little things, these notes hanging around our place of work would set in some kind of realization, the proof that tells you its real, that he is really gone. It doesn't. He doesn't feel gone. He was so alive the last time I saw him, which was only the morning before. It's only made life that much more fragile in my mind. Some would say he died because it was just his time, others would say that he died because he was a smoker and didn't take care of himself - To be snuffed out like that; to know that if you go to sleep, you may never wake up; it's not me I would worry about, I imagine dying in your sleep would be the nicest way to go, you wouldn't even be aware of what was happening, you would just stay within your dream forever. It would be all the people that would mourn my passing, just like we are all mourning now. All the things you would have liked to say to me or not say to me, all the things you would have done differently if you had known that my time was almost up. Then I imagine all the things I would want to say before I was swept away into darkness without the finality of a goodbye, without the closure of an "I love you". I would tell my family to be strong, every person in our family has strong hearts and they know that even though I wouldn't be there, that they could still hold strong together. I would tell them how much I would miss them and that I know they would miss me too. I would tell my mom how precious she is to me and that her heart is the reason behind all the happiness I ever felt in my life. I would tell my daddy that he is the greatest man on this earth and that he should never give up on his dreams, that I am so, so proud of him for every thing he has ever accomplished and for being my best friend, my confidant when I needed him most. I would tell my brothers how grateful I am for them; that without all three of them, I would not have had the strength, the confidence, or the passion to get through all my hard days - they always made everything better in my life. I would tell my friends to come together, stay strong, remember how much I love them and that I know how much they love me. I promise I'm okay and where ever you believe I am, I'm happy. I know I will be wishing you were all there with me, to laugh with me, to help me through, but after all this time, I finally have to get some damn independence! Makes sense that would only happen in death. <3 To life, to the living, to death, and to the dead. I need to cry. I need to react. Why can't I just let it go and understand the situation; understand that being emotionally invested from the beginning was too much, it was probably too overwhelming for everyone involved. I do that sometimes. I knew I was going to fuck something up. I just knew it. I think I'm holding on because there's this little glint of hope still sitting in my chest that keeps telling me I'm wrong, that this is going where I want it to go, that I'm overthinking everything and I'm just being crazy. I do that sometimes too. I'm doing everything I can to surpass all my insecurities, all the little things that I can blow out of proportion and create some crazy reason why its not working out in my favor, or why I don't deserve it. I probably don't deserve it any way, it all seemed too easy, too natural - I pushed too hard too fast and I'm sure it didn't go unnoticed. I always scare people away, it's kind of my thing I guess. Not the greatest attribute, but I don't know how to not be that person. I have to be straight forward, I have to be totally honest, I have to be the person that lays everything right on the line and asks if you're either in or you're out, is it a yes or a no...I have to know, because I can't read anyone's mind and I have no control over anything other than my own thoughts, in which case, I drive my own mind crazy with my distorted irrationalities, going back and forth between reason and what I know to what I don't know and what I may never know. And then there's the sad fact that maybe what I had when I was younger wasn't there any more, maybe what made me attractable was who I used to be and now that I'm older and, I would imagine, very different in the eyes of someone who hasn't spent time with me in the last 15 years, I'm just not what they expected, I'm not who they remember; and then maybe, they just realized that they didn't want this to begin with, it was just some grand sense of nostalgia, a lost feeling from years ago that seemed to fuel the desire and now that its been experienced, the desire is gone. That's a pretty profound thought, but even when I read it to myself, there is this little piece of me that is screaming at me that I'm wrong, that I'm being ridiculous - and this annoying little voice is the reason why I haven't cried or let my feelings go yet. And that's my sad little story and only further accentuates how clearly messed up I am right now.
Uncertainty is insecurity. Ignorance is fear. Such a scary predicament to be in and since it's been so long since I've been in it, facing it now seems almost impossible. How does one start over, start fresh when every dream needs to be re-imagined? And when those dreams come too fast or something that was impossible becomes a possibility again, how does one not run away from sheer fright or frustration? I honestly don't know what I'm doing and I've never felt so vulnerable, so exposed in all my life. I like to believe that I am confident in myself, my own rational thought, and I trust myself to make the right choices even when they are hard or seemingly impossible to make; but saying it and doing it is so different and just being able to recognize those moments seems hardest of all. And how do you tell someone they are important to you without scaring them away because it seems too early or too fast or for a million reasons that make me sound like a naive child. Or how to tell someone that you've already been broken, you've been down this road before, and since you have been slowly rebuilding some semblance of who you used to be, they make you feel good again. And if they don't return those feelings - I haven't dealt with rejection in so long, I forgot how to even approach it. I know my end result will be the same - this is because I am content with my own feelings and I know they are real and I will stand by them - but to accept someone else's choice whether it be in my favor or not - this takes all my focus and all my energy. I need to accept it. I have to accept it - but if that someone's answer is no, I won't want to accept it. Although, at that point, what I want will no longer matter, will no longer be of any importance. Love can only be real love if that love is returned willingly, it can never be forced or manipulated, it has to be earned. That's clearly where I am right now - I clearly have not earned anything. My impatience and my overwhelming emotions have kept me from seeing the truth behind my problem; that there is no problem. The questions I have been asking myself are unknown because the subject has not been breached and no actions have been taken to make me think that anything negative will eventually befall me. "Lips and tongues lie. Actions never do." Follow through with my actions, have patience, be honest, and be true to myself - everything else will fall into place as it should - and if it should fall apart, which is me simply stating that it could happen, then I will accept it wholeheartedly. When I accept someone into my heart, my life, my family, my world - I accept all of them, for who they are, for who they want to be, and for who they will be - and this includes letting them go if they do not see me in their future. As I would hope they would do for me if the situations were reversed. ...sometimes it sucks that I still miss him, that I still think about him. And then sometimes it reminds me of who I am.
I think that's a good thing. Listening to Armor for Sleep. I have this Florida house to myself, sitting at the island, if I am reading this then I'll remember it. My cousins - Jack, Shel, Martin (her boyfriend), Michael, and his girlfriend Caitlin all went to Hollywood studios. I took a relax day, slept in until 10am, got up and made breakfast.
Found out I could hook up my external hard drive up to the main tv and play my music so I was super pumped about that. Started with Disney music and slowly drifted to Armor for Sleep. Always makes me think of a certain someone. I miss him sometimes, and I've found myself wishing he was here these last couple of days. Not surprising, his company always made me feel better and I've learned in the last six months that it had nothing to do with our problems or the shit we put on each other, it was just a great feeling when we were together, that we always knew the right things to talk about and everything came so naturally. Sadly, you can't have what's definitely lost to you; no going back now, but I get happy when I think of him and I think that's a good thing. Here I am, in the heart of Disney World, the place where dreams come true; where the imagination is infinite and the possibilities are endless. On the monorail to Epcot, I am hoping to find that happiness that only this place can give me. This trip is my first solo adventure into what has changed my life all those years ago. Alone, and surrounded by parents and their children, newlyweds, and retirees all looking for something; excitement pursuing the unknown or searching for an old feeling, a once brilliant flame that may have extinguished years before and may just need to be kindled back to life.
"If you can dream it, you can do it." Truer words were never spoken. I truly believe in that concept. It follows the same principles as "if you put your mind to it" or "strength through adversity" - Disney just liked to keep everything at a child's reach which is why he was so beloved by all young and old. His brilliance and his ability to bring joy to the lives of many shines so brightly here at Disney World that it is difficult not to appreciate every bit of genius that has been put into all of it. My solo journey has been everything I wanted it to be, scratch that, everything I needed it to be. For my second day on this vacation, I am in a place of peace, understanding, and nostalgia. It is only 2:37pm but I would say that today has been a good day, a day that I will remember always. Perhaps, another time, or another place;
Their laughs would mingle with ours If love did not run in split directions They would build their love like two soaring towers Whilst all the world sleeps at night I lie awake, wondering; eyes wide Whispering, a dark secret, a sadness How the waves of life crash and come in with the tide Love grows, both slowly and fast And choices are made that are hard to undo I think of a day when a choice will be made That will make this dark secret come true There is very little time before it is too late Her laughter will be miles away Months will pass and the distance will keep His laugh will hide, only to stay Perhaps, another time, or another place; Their love would be real and true If it were another time or place They would realize their love too It seems so clear to me That if life had turned out different They would be together and happy And they would understand their commitment They would grow together rather than alone And they would laugh at silly fights They would be normal, but still special And they would treat each other right The future holds so much beauty If willing to make the right decision But sometimes, people are a little too late And going back or starting over is not what they envision Perhaps, another time, or another place Our lives would be completely changed But that is another time and place; My dark secret, my minds estrange -Alexandra Factor Written: April 24, 2014 |
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