To the future.
Finally a second chance...maybe I can finally be me and be with him. Hope for the future after so long seems so new and yet, I'm looking forward to tomorrow.
To the future.
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Something I have been coming to realize so slowly, because I know if I jump right in and say I've known all along, that he never really loved me, I'll stop breathing. I won't know how to handle it, how to accept that all those years that we seemed happy, all those years that became so very apart of my heart and my life, were a lie. An elaborate fantasy mixed with confused emotions and long ago buried skeletons of the past left in the dust just waiting for someone to discover them. I always knew he was torn; torn between the life he wants and the life he is living, torn between who he knows he should be from who he knows he is, torn between what he wants to feel and what he refuses to recognize as his real feelings. I just never saw him as broken or damaged, I've never seen him that way; through my eyes, he was always just one step closer to being the man I knew he could be, even on the days when I knew he was too tired to try. I know now, damaged and broken is how he sees himself, and I was never enough to prove him wrong, I was never his muse, I was never his guiding light...I was just a means to an end, I was a wish that he always assumed would never come true, I was his constant end rather than his new beginning. I'll always love him, with everything I am, but knowing that I could never be what I want to be in his eyes, I don't believe I have the strength, the courage, or the will power to pretend like it might be different someday.
Letting go has never been one of my strong suits, I'm head strong and I have a heart that envelopes and overwhelms people sometimes. I trust easily and forgive constantly. I apologize for everything. I believe that any one can do anything or be anything they want to be if they want it bad enough. I believe in dreams and wishing on stars. I believe in the rain and how it cleanses everything around us. I believe in myself and do my best to try and understand something or someone rather than judge them or assume I know them. I don't give up on people or myself. I do what I think is right, I make choices and I stand by them for better or for worse. I own up and I take responsibility for my actions. I'm honest and straight forward, I don't like playing games with people's minds or their hearts. And still, at the end of the day, I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I fall down. I'm human, and my choices might affect someone else despite whether I believe its right or wrong. All I can do is take control of what I have control over - myself, my actions, my choices, my thoughts, and how I live every day. When I fall, all I can do is get up, and keep going, keep breathing, keep telling myself that everything is going to be okay. And maybe one day, I'll meet someone who will give me something to look forward to, someone who will recognize the days where I struggle to keep going, to keep breathing, and they'll be the one to tell me that everything is going to be okay, and it will be my reminder that we only have one life, and that I'm not running this marathon alone. I'll have a partner, a best friend, a person that enhances my life and pushes me to want to be my best self, and I can only hope I can do that for him too. To be his choice rather than his need. I don't want to be needed, I want to be someone's choice. I want someone to choose me, not out of obligation or necessity, but out of want. This is my definition of real love, and I couldn't ask for anything more in this life. |
Wisdom
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