I see him...and my heart beats faster, my breath catches, and I can't form a coherent sentence. What is wrong with me? I want to cry and smile at the same time. I want to kiss him and tell him that I'll fix it, because that's what I can do. I need to fix this. I'm definitely overwhelming him, which he doesn't need. I'm clearly not okay in this situation. I'm unprepared and unskilled. He needs time. A lot of time. I just wish I wasn't so god damn impatient.
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I don't want to feel anymore. It hurts so much more than it ever did. Why? Or maybe I just don't remember, years of numb contentedness made me forget. Damn, it hurts so god damn much. Mentally, I'm exhausted. I'm so tired. Why can't it ever be easy? I was angry, so very angry- but I wasn't really mad at him, I was mad at myself - I wanted to blame him, I wanted to be mad at him. I was jealous of what he's getting to experience, and mad that I can't experience it with him. I'm mad at circumstance and my head isn't screwed on right. I'm angry that I am in love with someone so fully and so deeply and I still feel so unbelievably alone. The two contradict each other. To have so much fucking happiness, and then to fall so fucking far. Something's wrong with me. I'm just so tired of feeling anything. It's exhausting and I just want it to stop for one second so I can breathe, so I can rethink things. I just need it to stop. He offered me something that wasn't his to give, but I took it nonetheless. This is why these relationships don't work. Why am I so fucking stupid. I know how this fucking ends, and I hate that I hope I'm wrong. Hope. What a fucking waste of time. It makes no rational sense. It confuses every emotion. It haunts my fucking dreams. And it does nothing but squander the only things that are worth living for in this fucked up world. Fucking hope. What a waste of time. |
Wisdom
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