No matter the choice I make, I will lose. I will lose everything, again. And I cannot hate him for it, and I cannot judge him for it - I will not.
How long did I hold onto the hope that Peter and I would live out the future we always talked about; how long did I wait for him to open his eyes and see what we had together? How long did I hope for? How many sexless nights? How many arguments?
And all I wanted was to fix it, to make it better, to stay with him and hope he would see the light, that one day he would wake up and see me.
And then, after months and months of crying myself to sleep and him seemingly unfazed, and I did finally get tired enough to leave, how quickly did I run back to him? How fast did I realize that I still had hope for a future that didn't exist? And then, when I finally thought I had moved on, only to get one text from him that sent me over to his house? How long did I spend my days pining after a man I didn't even know any more? A very long and miserable time.
So I know that feeling. I know what he would be giving up; this man who has given so much to me. He'd be giving up comfortability, familiarity, something stable even if it isn't right, even if he isn't completely happy. A future with me would be new and fresh, but it would also be untested, untried, and unfamiliar. He has no idea what it would be like to live with me, to handle my mood swings, the things I like or don't like. And I don't know him that way either, I don't know what would make him angry or upset, what would set him off or rub him the wrong way. It's something you learn after time upon time, with conversations and arguments, when your love is tested and you pull through, but its eventuality relies on being together and facing it. Something we cannot do.
A part of me wants to do what other people might do in this situation - wear the situation thin, keep selfishly taking, bitch and scream, tell him to leave her, to choose me, tell him how unfair this all is, and how vulnerable I'll become when this ends and I see him trying everything to make it work with her. But I have never been like everyone else. I would never do any of that. I would never ask him for something he would never choose for himself. I would never force myself into a situation without knowing my outcome, without knowing that everyone else would be happy on the other side, even if it means that my happiness is sacrificed. I would never make him choose.