And to continue my life long story of forever failing and constantly doing stupid things; I have once again fallen into a pit of uncertainty and have not only created a massive amount of life content that creates dramatic impulses, but I have also reversed all my hard work into an old routine that will not, for the life of me, leave me in peace. God damn it. I made it so far, only to fall back into his curs-ed, wonderfully annoying, ridiculously selfish, fantastically safe, unbelievably loving arms; I can't believe I let that happen...AGAIN. When will I ever learn? And then it goes and stirs everything up all over again, every bit of anger that I've built up so perfectly, every bit of regret that comes bursting through the seams, every unbearable lonely night wishing he was there and every excuse I ever gave him for being exactly who he is. Son of a bitch. This past weekend was a wonderful miscalculation in my stupid empathetic realm of chaos that I would not change for anything; it reminded me of all the reasons why I fell in love with him, while also remembering why I made myself accept every thing he was, including his selfishness, his co-dependence, and his lack of emotion. I'm so screwed right now, it hurts. The worst part - he doesn't even know. The idiot has absolutely no idea. Oblivious, as always, missing every facet of the bigger picture of what was our relationship because of his inability to see past his own "victimization", his own idea of HIS world, when reflecting on what was once OURS. And then sometimes I worry that I've gone and done the same thing. Maybe I am as much to blame as he is. Maybe I got so caught up in my own misery that I didn't even bother trying to figure out his, and then I think, maybe we both gave up without actually giving up, just simply coasting through what was US while not really being an US at all. Shit. It's amazing how fast all your hard work can go out the window when your heart is so fixated on getting what it wants. I've made every decision so far with my mind, my logic, my ability to understand people and who they are and what motivates them and what moves them. I haven't been able to make any decisions from my own selfishness or from my own sense of love and desire. I didn't leave because I wanted to. I left because he needed me to. I left because I had to. And he hates me for it; he probably always will.
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"You throw in the towel - they call you a coward Tell ya - fight, don't cut and run I ain't no hero, but the truth is I know It's the bravest thing I've ever done The hardest part is knowing What we could have, should have become." -Blake Shelton, Back There Again I called myself a coward. ...i've always known that i could though; my heart hurts.I've never really been alone. All this time, I thought I had some semblance of an idea. It takes a while to really set in, but its here. I expected so much more feeling to come. I expected it to be...I don't know, emotional. Not that I'm not, but it's so subtle. On one hand, I miss being at home, surrounded by people, constantly having conversation with someone. On the other hand, I now know what its like to stay completely silent for what seems like forever. I haven't even reached the stage of talking to myself yet, which I know will eventually come. A whole weekend, just me and the TV and my new tiny little apartment. I went grocery shopping for the first time since I moved in. Reminds me of the old days. I've really just spent this whole weekend doing nothing, technically recovering from a way-too-fun Friday night, but still, vegging out just the same. And now I am awake at 4:00 in the morning, writing in this blog, since tomorrow is a holiday and I don't have work. Life is funny that way, kind of working out, but then in some ways, throwing me curve balls and knocking me off of my feet. Nothing has come yet, but I can't help but get that feeling like something is coming. I'm sure it's nothing; being in the apartment by myself is giving me a lot of time and space to think. It's a very strange, yet liberating feeling. That could be why I am getting the "something will go wrong" feeling - that's just the universe trying to balance itself out - can't have one without the other. Lonely Acceptance Stranger, a whisper from my lips, trolling danger from my tongue Cold rain falling, a soft drip of evaporated earth, completely undone A reflecting pool of tears, smothered sleep and dreamless waves Creation flailing against truth, patterns of emotion rippling in staves Absence of beings like oneself, quietly drifting through open planes Beyond the end, driven into the new, silent drops down porcelain drains Adapting a new friend, an inner light that survives unfortunate sorrow The candle lit as bright as the heavens that will ascend to another tomorrow Clear is now the path, smooth and clean, that is desperately desired and sought Wish hard, for change is constant and unloving, and only confronted by toiling thought -Alexandra Factor, October 9, 2017, 4:30am It's been a while, but I think it's good. I'll have to reread it in the morning to see if it's actually any good. I'm pretty tired now. Guess I should give it a try and get some sleep. Until next time. Good night |
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