Every day is a fight, as usual. Keep fighting. For those we love. For those that make our life worth it.
Listening to: Until The Day I Die...Story of the Year - classic.
Another evening and another day and another bit of time has passed me by. I just wish I could bring myself to care. I've been pushing so hard to be normal. I do what I know best. I spend time with my family. I spend time with my mother; someone I know has spent time thinking the exact same thoughts I think every day at this point. Drinking away the pain only goes so far. I take pride in being the best aunt I can be, and I know my nephews love me. They admire me, they look up to me. And I figured out why I wake up every day feeling so alone, despite all the love I have in my life. It's me. I am stopping me from finding happiness, from having it in my every day. I've known for a long time. I've known that its easier to help other with their lives then focus on my own; I've known that I am not happy with being myself. My brother says its because I have this mental idea in my head that "I am awesome" and that holds me back. At least, that is how I interpret it. Which is true. I do think extremely highly of myself. How the fuck do I overcome that? How do I bring my own self esteem down to a level that's considered "acceptable". Strange, how, when I am alone, I don't feel that way at all. If only I could explain it properly. I forget everything when I am with my family, when I am hanging with my nephews playing board games, or talking video games. I forget everything I have done the last twenty years of my life. I say twenty since I am not sure I can count the first ten years of my life, however, everything after that is definitely fair game. My entire being has been shaped and built by someone else, someone, as you all know if you've been reading, I gave my entire being to and I never took it back. I never wanted it back. I still don't. Imagine that. I don't even know who HE is anymore and I would still trust him with all of who I am. I would give him anything if he called tomorrow, and I know I would. Amazing. I can't even believe it myself. It's in the music I listen to, the TV I watch, the pop culture I like, the anime I watch, the designs I see in my head, all my creativity, all my growth, was because of him. And what have I been doing? Pining after someone who probably doesn't think of me, literally, ever. I'm pathetic. The funny thing is, I have such a strong side of myself. It can be overpowering sometimes. It tells me to pick myself up, to be stronger, to be better, to shut the fuck up and stop crying, to get my shit together, to figure it out. It motivates me. However, I've found it only lasts as long as I'm angry. I have to be mad at the world, I have to be mad at my circumstances, I have to be so infuriated for a constant period of time; and that just isn't me. I'm not that angry. I'm understanding. I'm rational. I'm empathetic. It clashes with so much of me that says I need to stop being a damn pussy and own up. The voice in my head that says, "you made your choices, now fucking own them" - "you've made you god damn bed, fucking sleep in it and be grateful that's the only shit you have to deal with." My problems are set within myself. I finally let go of my necklace. If I haven't mentioned it before, it was a sterling silver chain with everything that ever meant anything to me. Two of the items are from some of my Christmas' with Peter, and they were such a part of our relationship, I never took it off. For eight years, I wore that necklace. I don't think you can find a picture of me without it. Then I left. And after many months of despair, Brianna bought me another necklace with my initials in it, and it said, "with brave wings she flies" engraved. It was the most endearing thing and most life altering thing that she could have done, because to me, I had just done something so life changing and so difficult, in that moment, it felt like she was the only person who really understood everything I was dealing with, so I added it to my most precious items, that hand right next to my heart. That gave me strength, so I wore it with my past. I put it on my necklace and made that a part of me, of who I was, and who I was going to be. And in nearly eight years, I have not taken that necklace off, it became such a piece of me that I never thought I would let it go. Then my brothers spoke with me and I laid my heart out to them, and they said I needed to let it go. So I let it go. And when I'm alone, I still miss the feel of it around my neck. I never realized how much it gave me comfort, how much I depended on the feel of it. How much I was in love with the symbol of everything I had been through, how much I was in love with my own tragedy, in love with all those hard choices that got me to where I am now. I was so stuck in my own past, that I have no future. And then every time I think I could have one, I realize I never wanted one. I tell myself its not self pity, but at this point, who the fuck knows. Maybe I sadistically and subconsciously need it; to feel something, anything. I remember my nothingness from years ago. I haven't felt it in such a long time, but then I feel like I never really left it. Am I just that crazy? I'm not sure. I never really know where my mind is, and I have way too much alone time to ponder it. Half the time, I don't want to sleep. But then, when I do sleep, I could sleep forever. Seriously, going to bed for me is like losing days; I physically will not get up. I think its subconscious, but I'm no therapist to my own shit.
Every day is a fight, as usual. Keep fighting. For those we love. For those that make our life worth it. Listening to: Until The Day I Die...Story of the Year - classic.
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Let it go (April 2018) ReflectionI let it go when I realize that it's not what it was. It's not real anymore. It's pretend, it's forced, and it carries a hidden pain that sometimes surfaces to slap you in the face and then it takes everything you are to bury it right back. It's a ghost to you, always there, but has no real physical presence, and then when you think you see something in the corner of your eye, it's there. A shadow of what was, of what you thought it could be, of who you thought you could be. And then one instant later, it's gone. The eerie existence of it vanishes, the smell, the sound, there's nothing left but the memory of the possibility of something real. Even knowing all of this- how can it still be this hard to let it go. How can it be this painful to finally say the words I've been avoiding? The words that have been sitting in the back of my mind? A prison of uncertainties and insecurities bottled away because the reality of it is too difficult to face. Accepting the finality of being this shell of a person rather than speaking the truth and understanding exactly what the meaning behind all of it is and yet gripping to this mindful creation, to this bubble of existence that reality can't touch. What was is now gone. You imagine that you had no warning at first, that the possibility of an ending was never in your sights. That the shadow of what was comes into existence and all of sudden, you find that you can’t stop crying. You can’t stop feeling. It’s become a part of who you are now. It’s the end and the beginning, an epilogue of what is hiding somewhere in the middle, and all of you becomes tangible, open, real. So you hide it, let it drift quietly to the back of your mind. The thoughts and dreams of yesterday that travel over your skin when you're alone, when you're sad, when you want to pop out of existence for just one split minute so you can finally breathe- breathe and live your life knowing that you made these choices, and you can live with them knowing you did everything in your power to make things right, to make them okay, to understand and make peace with the battle that has raged inside of you since this harrowing journey began. Fearless love
drift away with me into the night filled darkness Troubled tears won't you stay with me Lie with me regardless See my thoughts my heart bleeding The path not yet before us My cries betray me Committed to the end The siren sings my chorus Finality is reality Yesterday bared in mind As the betrayal comes in throes Light showers dance And flowers breathe in spring This is the life I chose -Alexandra Factor October 4, 2019 Finalized: November 12, 2019 I haven't exactly been at my best lately. I've been emotional and overwhelmed by what was, and what could have been. Reflecting on the past is never a bad thing, unless you let it consume you so much that you forget to live right now. And I have been letting it consume me. It's taken over my emotions and I've started talking to a certain person again that I shouldn't be talking to, but he texted back, so is it okay that I opened that channel again? Probably not very healthy, emotion-wise, but nonetheless. I just miss my friend; and I know its okay to miss him, but he's got his own life to live, he has a girlfriend, he's got Nixon. I need to leave him alone, I need to live my own life...right? But then, my life is so stagnant. I go to work, I come home, I clean my apartment, I feed my boys, I go to bed alone - and the next day it starts all over again. The weekends are no different either. I sleep in, I watch TV, I clean my apartment, I do the laundry, I go to my parents, usually end up drunk somehow, watch a movie, go home, and pass out. Not exactly the best life that I'm living here. I need an outlet; I need something outside of what is so I can focus on what could be. Honestly, I think I lost my purpose; the purpose that fuels our lives, that gives us fulfillment and joy; and I have no idea how to get it back. I need to get it back, I need to feel something other than nothingness, something outside of the emptiness. emp·ti·ness /ˈem(p)tēnəs/ noun 1. the state of containing nothing. "the vast emptiness of space" synonyms: vacantness, bareness, blankness, clearness, barrenness, desolation 2. the quality of lacking meaning or sincerity; meaninglessness. "he realizes the emptiness of his statement" 3. the quality of having no value or purpose; futility. "feelings of emptiness and loneliness" Emptiness as a human condition is a sense of generalized boredom, social alienation and apathy. Feelings of emptiness often accompany depression, loneliness, and despair. A sense of emptiness is also part of a natural process of grief, as resulting in significant changes to one’s life. I had a dream that I woke up in my old bed at my old apartment on Matteson. Peter was snoring quietly next to me, and Nixon was curled up next to my leg. They both seemed so peaceful; and it was so real. I smelt my old room, the sound of the fan oscillating like it always did no matter what time of year it was- neither of us could ever sleep without the fan running. The room was exactly how I remembered it. I wanted to hold onto that moment so badly, but the difference in this moment was that I still remembered everything that has happened up until right now. I remembered the choices I had made, even though at this moment, I hadn't made them yet. I remembered the pain, the lonely nights I cried myself to sleep, I felt the anger and resentment, the emptiness. And as much as I was holding onto that moment, I realized going back meant I would lose Pelli and Ezio, I would never adopt them, I would never meet Yusuke and take him home with me. I would never have the freedom from my circumstances that I prayed for so badly when I was there, in that place, in that time. The guilt that hit me in that moment was so heavy, and when I woke up this morning in my bed with Yusuke's little paw stretched across my neck, I realized I wanted both. I wanted the past and the present, I wanted to go back and keep my new life, I wanted what made me happy then just as much as what makes me happy now...but life doesn't work that way and we can't have both and going back wouldn't change anything except resurface the pain it took to get out. The pain that's still present every time I close my eyes, every time I see something or smell something that reminds me of the days when I was apart of something real and tangible, apart of an "us"... But that was then, and this is now.
"Being any kind of happy is better than being miserable about someone you can't have." -LEAH CLEARWATER (JULIA JONES) / TWILIGHT, BREAKING DAWN part 1 (STEPHENIE MEYER/MELISSA ROSENBERG) im·mu·ni·ty /iˈmyo͞onədē/ noun - plural noun: immunities
It is so very true. When a relationship has ended or has been somehow damaged, we lose our immunity to say whatever we want; everything has to be said carefully, with precision and sensitivity. The immunity that allowed you to say whatever came into your head because of a common feeling of love or acceptance, the label of boyfriend or girlfriend without animosity, without resentment; that immunity is stripped from you. You realize quite quickly too. All of a sudden, you stop. You stop talking and you start constantly rewording sentences in your head, how could you say this one thing without them taking offense? Every time you criticize or even if you make a joke, it's like you're attacking them even though you aren't; but they can't see past the pained history, the facts that lead to whatever end you had to face, the end that you let them face alone, and you weren't there to protect them - you, the person who they thought would never be against them - in their minds, somehow, you became the enemy, so quickly and so dramatically, the tables turn in their minds. You've been perspective-ly twisted from the loving girlfriend or caring boyfriend to the one who left, the one who broke their heart, the one that argued and yelled. It's no wonder most couples or relationships can't stay friends after its all over.
What is this girlfriend/boyfriend relationship that is so far from regular friendship? But then I know the answer to that too. It's the attraction, its that one moment, you can kiss them whenever you want, and then the next, you don't have the right to, and then you have to deal with some strange longing and you can't even tell them about it, because you're not supposed to. It's the idea that your faithful to that one person when your inside it, but then next, you don't know who he is with, or who is sleeping next to, and you don't actually have the right to ask them; and its the same for you. I never really understood it until right now. It's always been my goal in those areas to understand the situation, be the adult, handle it like any human to another; but when my time came and I had to make that decision, I failed. I fell hard on a mountain of emotional jealousy, resentment, and some lost idea on tough love. And when I had to say the words, when I had to look the person I loved in the eyes, and tell them that it had to end, and that everything we were was, at that moment, over, I don't think I fully understood what would happen next. Just like that. I saw his handsome face twist into someone I had never met before, a mixture of extreme grief and shock, and then some small hints of anger in his eyes, the betrayal hidden behind his words and sitting on the tightness of his brow. Immunity lost. And we are friends no more. It was at this realization, that I started to wonder if we were ever really friends at all. There are all these rules, all these ideas set up in our society that everyone just abides, but I can't. I can't follow something I don't understand, that doesn't make sense. The relationship I'm referring to is obviously very different from other circumstances; if you haven't read my previous posts, then you should know, my relationship was a good one. I considered him my best friend, he was the person I pictured my entire future on this earth with, he was everything to me; the ending came when I realized that I could never be everything to him. I made the choice, upon many other reasons, to leave. To walk away from our future and our life, thinking it was the best choice for him, and in the end, for myself as well. I never stopped loving him, and I didn't leave because he was a bad person or all the other reasons people usually walk out for. So in my situation, being friends after just made sense. We were awesome at being with each other, at being ourselves, at laughing and going out and we loved being in each others company; but the definition I have of how things ended was very different from his. This is where we get into what it is to really love someone. We both seemed to care, we took that road of love and devotion together, but to sacrifice who we were and who we are for this thing, this immunity that made it okay to be ourselves, and then for him to turn around and act as if none of it ever mattered, that the years we built together were nothing in comparison to that one moment. I watched us grow so high on this tower of memories and love and fights and anger, and then I watched him fall so far and so fast to the person before any of those memories existed. He became a stranger, and all those memories, all those years of laughter and taking care of each other, they were gone; erased in one look and several angry words. And then I spent years pining after someone who never actually existed, the man I thought I knew, or maybe it was just the perspective I created. I think the saddest part was that all I was looking for was a real apology. Not some prideful, attitude ridden, "well you asked me to say it" or "this is what you want" apology. But then...
I've always hated endings. And I'm absolutely terrible with change. Looks like I just have to keep learning. Learning and living. Keep breathing. Take the cold plunge, and soon I'll be soaking in the warmth of what will be; instead of wallowing in all of what was.
I've never really been alone. All this time, I thought I had some semblance of an idea. It takes a while to really set in, but its here. I expected so much more feeling to come. I expected it to be...I don't know, emotional. Not that I'm not, but it's so subtle. On one hand, I miss being at home, surrounded by people, constantly having conversation with someone. On the other hand, I now know what its like to stay completely silent for what seems like forever. I haven't even reached the stage of talking to myself yet, which I know will eventually come. A whole weekend, just me and the TV and my new tiny little apartment. I went grocery shopping for the first time since I moved in. Reminds me of the old days. I've really just spent this whole weekend doing nothing, technically recovering from a way-too-fun Friday night, but still, vegging out just the same. And now I am awake at 4:00 in the morning, writing in this blog, since tomorrow is a holiday and I don't have work. Life is funny that way, kind of working out, but then in some ways, throwing me curve balls and knocking me off of my feet. Nothing has come yet, but I can't help but get that feeling like something is coming. I'm sure it's nothing; being in the apartment by myself is giving me a lot of time and space to think. It's a very strange, yet liberating feeling. That could be why I am getting the "something will go wrong" feeling - that's just the universe trying to balance itself out - can't have one without the other. Lonely Acceptance Stranger, a whisper from my lips, trolling danger from my tongue Cold rain falling, a soft drip of evaporated earth, completely undone A reflecting pool of tears, smothered sleep and dreamless waves Creation flailing against truth, patterns of emotion rippling in staves Absence of beings like oneself, quietly drifting through open planes Beyond the end, driven into the new, silent drops down porcelain drains Adapting a new friend, an inner light that survives unfortunate sorrow The candle lit as bright as the heavens that will ascend to another tomorrow Clear is now the path, smooth and clean, that is desperately desired and sought Wish hard, for change is constant and unloving, and only confronted by toiling thought -Alexandra Factor, October 9, 2017, 4:30am It's been a while, but I think it's good. I'll have to reread it in the morning to see if it's actually any good. I'm pretty tired now. Guess I should give it a try and get some sleep. Until next time. Good night |
Wisdom
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