I did it. I'm feeling good. I'm ready to start again, again. Kicking life's ass per usual. Cool cool cool.
So, here's another day. It's a beautiful day. The sun is shining and the world is still spinning. My heart is still beating and my emotions are still on a roller coaster of insecurities, misunderstandings, and some kind of dreadful hope that keeps enveloping the other two. While sad, I'm at the end. And every end leads way to a new beginning. I feel pretty good about where I'm going. I had to re-channel my thoughts again, back to where I was, back on track.
I did it. I'm feeling good. I'm ready to start again, again. Kicking life's ass per usual. Cool cool cool.
0 Comments
I need to cry. I need to react. Why can't I just let it go and understand the situation; understand that being emotionally invested from the beginning was too much, it was probably too overwhelming for everyone involved. I do that sometimes. I knew I was going to fuck something up. I just knew it. I think I'm holding on because there's this little glint of hope still sitting in my chest that keeps telling me I'm wrong, that this is going where I want it to go, that I'm overthinking everything and I'm just being crazy. I do that sometimes too. I'm doing everything I can to surpass all my insecurities, all the little things that I can blow out of proportion and create some crazy reason why its not working out in my favor, or why I don't deserve it. I probably don't deserve it any way, it all seemed too easy, too natural - I pushed too hard too fast and I'm sure it didn't go unnoticed. I always scare people away, it's kind of my thing I guess. Not the greatest attribute, but I don't know how to not be that person. I have to be straight forward, I have to be totally honest, I have to be the person that lays everything right on the line and asks if you're either in or you're out, is it a yes or a no...I have to know, because I can't read anyone's mind and I have no control over anything other than my own thoughts, in which case, I drive my own mind crazy with my distorted irrationalities, going back and forth between reason and what I know to what I don't know and what I may never know. And then there's the sad fact that maybe what I had when I was younger wasn't there any more, maybe what made me attractable was who I used to be and now that I'm older and, I would imagine, very different in the eyes of someone who hasn't spent time with me in the last 15 years, I'm just not what they expected, I'm not who they remember; and then maybe, they just realized that they didn't want this to begin with, it was just some grand sense of nostalgia, a lost feeling from years ago that seemed to fuel the desire and now that its been experienced, the desire is gone. That's a pretty profound thought, but even when I read it to myself, there is this little piece of me that is screaming at me that I'm wrong, that I'm being ridiculous - and this annoying little voice is the reason why I haven't cried or let my feelings go yet. And that's my sad little story and only further accentuates how clearly messed up I am right now.
What is control? Control is the power to influence or direct people's behavior. I would imagine that would also include having the power to influence or direct your own personal behavior as well, to be able to control the emotions behind the behavior. The behavior, the way in which one acts or conducts oneself, especially toward others, is influenced by the emotions. To control one is to control the other. You can be angry and still control the behavior of that anger; making the choice to not act on it, the choice to not punch the wall or throw things. You can also choose to act out in an angry way and yet still have complete control over the emotion behind it. It's the choice that makes people different, the choice that makes our paths different.
I have little control over my emotions, but I always have complete control over my behavior. I can name only a few times throughout my entire life where I acted on irrational thought and emotion; certainly none of them are considered my proudest moments, however, I never find myself regretting them. One of them - one that I consider a very important moment in my life - I eventually found closure and luckily, I was forgiven. The actions taken when I was young - while I tried my very best to always consider every option, to consider every point of view - those actions stand out as my learning curve. Had I never experienced them, I could very well be blind to it today. A ticking time bomb. Letting go back then is what keeps everything reigned in for me now. I would like to say that my emotions and my irrational thoughts were reigned in as well, and to some extent, I guess you could say they are. I try to keep my emotions to myself; they are my burden to bear, and mine alone. People have their own emotions to figure out, it's stressful enough. I can bear mine and his and hers and theirs if I have to. I will bear it because I am strong, I am in control, and I can handle it. Hits I can take. Even when my irrational thoughts and overbearing emotions stand in my way. I have to keep my control, keep my composure, keep my strength. I will keep them, because that's who I am. Uncertainty is insecurity. Ignorance is fear. Such a scary predicament to be in and since it's been so long since I've been in it, facing it now seems almost impossible. How does one start over, start fresh when every dream needs to be re-imagined? And when those dreams come too fast or something that was impossible becomes a possibility again, how does one not run away from sheer fright or frustration? I honestly don't know what I'm doing and I've never felt so vulnerable, so exposed in all my life. I like to believe that I am confident in myself, my own rational thought, and I trust myself to make the right choices even when they are hard or seemingly impossible to make; but saying it and doing it is so different and just being able to recognize those moments seems hardest of all. And how do you tell someone they are important to you without scaring them away because it seems too early or too fast or for a million reasons that make me sound like a naive child. Or how to tell someone that you've already been broken, you've been down this road before, and since you have been slowly rebuilding some semblance of who you used to be, they make you feel good again. And if they don't return those feelings - I haven't dealt with rejection in so long, I forgot how to even approach it. I know my end result will be the same - this is because I am content with my own feelings and I know they are real and I will stand by them - but to accept someone else's choice whether it be in my favor or not - this takes all my focus and all my energy. I need to accept it. I have to accept it - but if that someone's answer is no, I won't want to accept it. Although, at that point, what I want will no longer matter, will no longer be of any importance. Love can only be real love if that love is returned willingly, it can never be forced or manipulated, it has to be earned. That's clearly where I am right now - I clearly have not earned anything. My impatience and my overwhelming emotions have kept me from seeing the truth behind my problem; that there is no problem. The questions I have been asking myself are unknown because the subject has not been breached and no actions have been taken to make me think that anything negative will eventually befall me. "Lips and tongues lie. Actions never do." Follow through with my actions, have patience, be honest, and be true to myself - everything else will fall into place as it should - and if it should fall apart, which is me simply stating that it could happen, then I will accept it wholeheartedly. When I accept someone into my heart, my life, my family, my world - I accept all of them, for who they are, for who they want to be, and for who they will be - and this includes letting them go if they do not see me in their future. As I would hope they would do for me if the situations were reversed. ...sometimes it sucks that I still miss him, that I still think about him. And then sometimes it reminds me of who I am.
I think that's a good thing. |
Wisdom
All we have are words, hot coffee, and a keyboard; and it's all we really need. Archives
June 2023
Categories
All
|