Today is a different day. Yesterday was a different day. But it wasn't about me. It was about someone close to me, and it was hard to watch his face, tears clouding the whites of his eyes, as one or two would randomly sneak out and slide slowly down his cheek. And I felt his pain. His anger. His torment. I saw him as I used to see myself. Breaking. Slowly and perceptively breaking as he said, "she's leaving me". It was like a punch to the face, I got light headed from news that was unexpected. Yes, they fought. Yes, they had problems. But who doesn't? Then again, its hard to judge the situation from my perspective. I wasn't married. I didn't have a child. When I had to leave, to walk away from my life, I did it because if we ended up having those things, I knew I wouldn't leave. But this is a family. A unit of two that have come together and created life, that have built something together, that have made decisions and choices that have affected not only themselves, but their child as well; this is supposed to be the choice you only have to make once. At least, you always hope for that.
You always hear stories nowadays about people getting divorces and struggling with the change, dealing with custody and alimony and all the other problems that arise when two people can't make their lives together work. I guess it just never occurred to me that it could happen to us, to our family; like we were immune to this struggle because we are such a strong family unit. Obviously, this is an immature thought, but it still doesn't seem real, like how these things happen and the world keeps turning, the world keeps moving on while you're stuck in some past that has been long gone.
A sad day, a sad event, a sad change in the circle that is time. I hope we can get through this. Once again, the "unknown" worries me. The unknown future of a little girl who must be split in two. The unknown effects of a brokenhearted man who will now face unknown battles that he was never expecting to have to face. And all I can do it be there for him. All I can do is walk this road with him and hope that I can help him get through all the pain. But this is where I know I will falter. I know this pain, as I've written it here before. I know that I can't walk him through the lonely nights, the harrowing thoughts of what could have been done different, the endless time spent crying in the shower or minutes before we close our eyes to sleep. I've come a long way from my pain, but its always still there, lingering in the back corners of my mind; broken. And I wouldn't wish it on my greatest enemy, or the cruelest person. Its knife's edge is sharp and it cuts deep, and it takes years to overcome the resentment, and the anger, the overwhelming thoughts that don't always lead you to better places. I'm not sure I want to watch how this may unfold, but I know I won't have a choice. He's my brother. I will be here for him. I will run through this violent charade with him as I once did it myself alone. And I will hope that he sees comfort in my efforts, that he finds some kind of light through the darkness. I am wishing for only the best in this.
Until better days arise, we will fight through this together. I only hope I can be helpful when he needs me, that I can provide some kind of hope to him. For him. That, while I know its a long road ahead, he needs to focus on his future now, on his child's future, on the best parts of him and that maybe, with time, the future could be better than he ever imagined. Now getting him to believe it, this will be the hardest task of all. It's years later for me, and I'm still looking in that rear view mirror, driving away from a life I had once cherished, driving away and sadly, always looking back. I hope I can make this an easier challenge for my brother. |