Ten thousand reasons to give up. Too many words that piled up. But you refused to try and mend, your broken past before the end. Your heart's too hard to understand, that sands of time slipped through your hands. And no excuses can erase, the scars of time left on your face. If it's too hard to forgive, then just give. Let go of the weight that won't let you live. Why keep playing this sad game, of who should really take the blame. The memories will fade away. They're growing further every day. You want the stream to change its course, before it floods you with remorse. You only need to hit the brakes, to free yourself of your mistakes. If it's too hard to forgive, then just give. Let go of the weight that won't let you live. -GUMBALL WATTERSON (NICOLAS CANTU) THE AMAZING WORLD OF GUMBALL, "THE PARENTS" "IF IT'S TOO HARD TO FORGIVE" (COMPOSED BY XAV CLARKE) |
I finally deleted it. I've never hovered over a button for so long. I made the moment important; like I just took some metaphorical step towards another part of my future. The future without him in it. The further I get away, the more anxious and scared I become, and yet I'm moving toward it. I keep moving forward, because as much as I can't imagine my life without him in it, I think that's exactly what I need to do. Every step has taken me closer to the clarity of why a friendship at the end of everything isn't as possible as I always assumed it would be; but I realized that I can't move forward without coming to terms with the person I am without him, who I am alone. And then this is why I didn't want to move on, it was never that I couldn't, I didn't want to. He taught me so many things that are so apart of me, like breathing, they gave me life; music, art, sex, anger, pain, acceptance, and most of all, love- he taught me how to love so deeply and so profoundly that I'm still moving on some four odd years later. And I've never wanted to let any of it go, and maybe some would say I shouldn't, but in the end, I believe with all of who I am- the revelation I have come to in these past couple of weeks, is that I need to find my own music, my own art, and deal with my own pain the way I would, not how we would have.
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I've never really been alone. All this time, I thought I had some semblance of an idea. It takes a while to really set in, but its here. I expected so much more feeling to come. I expected it to be...I don't know, emotional. Not that I'm not, but it's so subtle. On one hand, I miss being at home, surrounded by people, constantly having conversation with someone. On the other hand, I now know what its like to stay completely silent for what seems like forever. I haven't even reached the stage of talking to myself yet, which I know will eventually come. A whole weekend, just me and the TV and my new tiny little apartment. I went grocery shopping for the first time since I moved in. Reminds me of the old days. I've really just spent this whole weekend doing nothing, technically recovering from a way-too-fun Friday night, but still, vegging out just the same. And now I am awake at 4:00 in the morning, writing in this blog, since tomorrow is a holiday and I don't have work. Life is funny that way, kind of working out, but then in some ways, throwing me curve balls and knocking me off of my feet. Nothing has come yet, but I can't help but get that feeling like something is coming. I'm sure it's nothing; being in the apartment by myself is giving me a lot of time and space to think. It's a very strange, yet liberating feeling. That could be why I am getting the "something will go wrong" feeling - that's just the universe trying to balance itself out - can't have one without the other. Lonely Acceptance Stranger, a whisper from my lips, trolling danger from my tongue Cold rain falling, a soft drip of evaporated earth, completely undone A reflecting pool of tears, smothered sleep and dreamless waves Creation flailing against truth, patterns of emotion rippling in staves Absence of beings like oneself, quietly drifting through open planes Beyond the end, driven into the new, silent drops down porcelain drains Adapting a new friend, an inner light that survives unfortunate sorrow The candle lit as bright as the heavens that will ascend to another tomorrow Clear is now the path, smooth and clean, that is desperately desired and sought Wish hard, for change is constant and unloving, and only confronted by toiling thought -Alexandra Factor, October 9, 2017, 4:30am It's been a while, but I think it's good. I'll have to reread it in the morning to see if it's actually any good. I'm pretty tired now. Guess I should give it a try and get some sleep. Until next time. Good night This post was originally going to be about old friends. It was going to be about how everyone moves on and I'm the only one that ever seems to want to rekindle the past. People have their own lives. They have their own dreams, their own focus. It's time I start taking control of my own. I need to take control of my life, my wants, my needs. I need to own up to who I am and who I want to be. I need to develop the strength to be alone, so when I'm with someone, I can be exactly who I need to be when I need it. No need to lean on them, I already know how to lean on myself. No need to push them down or create impossible expectations, I already expect everything I need from myself and I can show them how to do the same. I can lift them up with me, and if they don't want to be lifted, then I can walk away without a scratch. Depend on me. Depend on who I am. My thoughts. My mind. My actions. These are the things that I can control. These define my kind of god. The power of one mind is so extraordinary, all I need to do is harness it. Easier said then done. Sometimes a little effort puts us right on track and then that little bit of slack puts us right back into the line of fire. "It's about disciplining your emotions, so you can make good decisions. It's about having the discipline to control your ego, so your ego doesn't get out of hand and control you." |
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