Every day is a fight, as usual. Keep fighting. For those we love. For those that make our life worth it.
Listening to: Until The Day I Die...Story of the Year - classic.
Another evening and another day and another bit of time has passed me by. I just wish I could bring myself to care. I've been pushing so hard to be normal. I do what I know best. I spend time with my family. I spend time with my mother; someone I know has spent time thinking the exact same thoughts I think every day at this point. Drinking away the pain only goes so far. I take pride in being the best aunt I can be, and I know my nephews love me. They admire me, they look up to me. And I figured out why I wake up every day feeling so alone, despite all the love I have in my life. It's me. I am stopping me from finding happiness, from having it in my every day. I've known for a long time. I've known that its easier to help other with their lives then focus on my own; I've known that I am not happy with being myself. My brother says its because I have this mental idea in my head that "I am awesome" and that holds me back. At least, that is how I interpret it. Which is true. I do think extremely highly of myself. How the fuck do I overcome that? How do I bring my own self esteem down to a level that's considered "acceptable". Strange, how, when I am alone, I don't feel that way at all. If only I could explain it properly. I forget everything when I am with my family, when I am hanging with my nephews playing board games, or talking video games. I forget everything I have done the last twenty years of my life. I say twenty since I am not sure I can count the first ten years of my life, however, everything after that is definitely fair game. My entire being has been shaped and built by someone else, someone, as you all know if you've been reading, I gave my entire being to and I never took it back. I never wanted it back. I still don't. Imagine that. I don't even know who HE is anymore and I would still trust him with all of who I am. I would give him anything if he called tomorrow, and I know I would. Amazing. I can't even believe it myself. It's in the music I listen to, the TV I watch, the pop culture I like, the anime I watch, the designs I see in my head, all my creativity, all my growth, was because of him. And what have I been doing? Pining after someone who probably doesn't think of me, literally, ever. I'm pathetic. The funny thing is, I have such a strong side of myself. It can be overpowering sometimes. It tells me to pick myself up, to be stronger, to be better, to shut the fuck up and stop crying, to get my shit together, to figure it out. It motivates me. However, I've found it only lasts as long as I'm angry. I have to be mad at the world, I have to be mad at my circumstances, I have to be so infuriated for a constant period of time; and that just isn't me. I'm not that angry. I'm understanding. I'm rational. I'm empathetic. It clashes with so much of me that says I need to stop being a damn pussy and own up. The voice in my head that says, "you made your choices, now fucking own them" - "you've made you god damn bed, fucking sleep in it and be grateful that's the only shit you have to deal with." My problems are set within myself. I finally let go of my necklace. If I haven't mentioned it before, it was a sterling silver chain with everything that ever meant anything to me. Two of the items are from some of my Christmas' with Peter, and they were such a part of our relationship, I never took it off. For eight years, I wore that necklace. I don't think you can find a picture of me without it. Then I left. And after many months of despair, Brianna bought me another necklace with my initials in it, and it said, "with brave wings she flies" engraved. It was the most endearing thing and most life altering thing that she could have done, because to me, I had just done something so life changing and so difficult, in that moment, it felt like she was the only person who really understood everything I was dealing with, so I added it to my most precious items, that hand right next to my heart. That gave me strength, so I wore it with my past. I put it on my necklace and made that a part of me, of who I was, and who I was going to be. And in nearly eight years, I have not taken that necklace off, it became such a piece of me that I never thought I would let it go. Then my brothers spoke with me and I laid my heart out to them, and they said I needed to let it go. So I let it go. And when I'm alone, I still miss the feel of it around my neck. I never realized how much it gave me comfort, how much I depended on the feel of it. How much I was in love with the symbol of everything I had been through, how much I was in love with my own tragedy, in love with all those hard choices that got me to where I am now. I was so stuck in my own past, that I have no future. And then every time I think I could have one, I realize I never wanted one. I tell myself its not self pity, but at this point, who the fuck knows. Maybe I sadistically and subconsciously need it; to feel something, anything. I remember my nothingness from years ago. I haven't felt it in such a long time, but then I feel like I never really left it. Am I just that crazy? I'm not sure. I never really know where my mind is, and I have way too much alone time to ponder it. Half the time, I don't want to sleep. But then, when I do sleep, I could sleep forever. Seriously, going to bed for me is like losing days; I physically will not get up. I think its subconscious, but I'm no therapist to my own shit.
Every day is a fight, as usual. Keep fighting. For those we love. For those that make our life worth it. Listening to: Until The Day I Die...Story of the Year - classic.
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