what is it to you?
“When I say, ‘I love you,’ it’s not because I want you or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You’re a hell of a woman. You're the one.”
-SPIKE (JAMES MARSTERS) / BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (JOSS WHEDON) I just can't help myself. I know he'll never trust me again and it hurts when I think about it, but I need to see him. It's actually driving me insane. I've just missed him. I've missed him so much and I've been missing him since the day I left. Damn myself for being this weak, for letting this happen, for letting my guard down even though I know how all this ends. It will end. And I'll have to walk away...again. I'm not sure I can do it again. I don't think I can mentally and emotionally handle it. All at once, I walked away from my best friend and my entire future and I will stand by my choices, I have to, I would be a coward if I didn't. I won't pretend like I don't know how much I hurt him, and I won't pretend I was feeling anything but resentment when I did finally say goodbye. It never meant that I stopped loving him, it never meant that I wanted to say goodbye. I wanted an apology, I wanted something, some kind of emotion that showed he gave a shit, that he cared more for me than his stupid pride and his grand idea that getting angry and becoming a douche bag made things better for him. It was easier for him to just shut down and become bitter and cruel instead of understanding, instead of telling me that he knew that I needed space, that I needed time, and all I wanted was for him to tell me that taking my time was okay, and that I did what I needed to do for me, and I wanted him to look me in the eyes and tell me that it didn't matter, that he would understand for as long as he needed me too, that he would wait, because he was that confident in his feelings for me. Jesus. I've needed to get that out for a while. When's the last time you said I'm sorry? When's the last time you said I love you? Do you mean it when you say I'm sorry? Or was the last time the last time? -CHRISTON GRAY / THE LAST TIME ...time to see that all I ever wanted is now nothing but a fading memory...time to let it go. I'm just not ready to start again, because I'm still dealing with losing him all over again, and those fading memories become brilliant and colorful and become so clear that it hurts... It's like starting all over again. How is this possible? Why do these feelings even exist? It's like an anvil is sitting on my chest and I can't breathe, and I can't think, and I can't operate or move. How do you hate someone and love them with everything you are all at the same time? I hate him because I blame him for making me have to choose, to have to make that decision, to have to be this empty shell of a person just to survive without him. I love him because he's one of my favorite people in all of the world and I can't imagine a life or a world without him in it. I hate him because he drives me insane and we're two totally different people and we see things so differently and I can't be a part of his world just like he struggles to be a part of mine. I love him because I would never want to stop trying to fit into that world; I love him because I'm just as insane as he makes me. And I knew from the beginning that I was doomed. I knew the end was always right at the edge of our happiness. I knew we couldn't survive it, because neither of us were that strong. We were in this infinite space of emotion that was OURS, and it was long lasting and forever, our own personal sphere of escape that we found somewhere deep inside each other, and when it came time for reality to set in and life to happen before us, neither of us really wanted to escape it. Couldn't we live in our own bubble of life forever? No we can't, we couldn't, it's impossible. "And sometimes my conscious awareness of your existence makes me happy." And then how do you come back from the end and make amends? How do you fix something so broken, so destroyed, so damaged - I'm drowning because I can't save him and I can't save myself. I have to let this go. I have to do this. As the tears fall, as my chest constricts, as my mind realizes that I gave my heart - all of it, every piece that was ever broken or damaged, every part that was hidden in the depths of my loneliness and my nothingness that was my life, I gave it all - and I never really got it back. And I don't want it back. I gave it to him and I had hoped that he would cradle it, understand it, and protect it, but then he stopped caring, he left it alone, and when it reached out for him, he ignored it. I never wanted it back, but I think I need it back. I need it back because I can't feel anything any more. I don't want to be numb any more. I can't be the empty shell any more that I've been forcing myself to endure ever since the day I left everything behind. Remember all the things we wanted, now all our memories, they're haunted We were always meant to say goodbye, even with our fists held high It never would have worked out right, we were never meant for do or die I didn't want us to burn out, I didn't come here to hurt you now, I can't stop I want you to know that it doesn't matter Where we take this road, but someone's gotta go And I want you to know, you couldn't have loved me better But I want you to move on, so I'm already gone Looking at you makes it harder, but I know that you'll find another That doesn't always make you wanna cry, it started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in Perfect couldn't keep this love alive, you know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go So I'm already gone... -ALREADY GONE, SLEEPING AT LAST hir·aeth 'hEr-rIth (HEER-eyeth) pronounced hiraɪ̯θ noun 1. homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was an intense form of longing or nostalgia, wistfulness the grief for the lost places of your past "Hiraeth beckons with wordless call, hear, my soul, with heart enthrall'd. Hiraeth whispers while earth I roam; Here I wait the call "come home." [citation] -a Welsh word for which there is no direct English translation; likens it to homesickness tinged with grief or sadness over the lost or departed. It is a mix of longing, yearning, nostalgia, wistfulness, or an earnest desire for the Wales of the past. Still numb. Almost a year ago now. Feels like I've lived and died a thousand times since then. I said I would never mention it again. I have to. I need to. I've been walking through my life numb to everything for two years and the deterioration is starting to show. Seeing him again only makes things that much harder. Drunk me clearly didn't like my very carefully built walls and my extremely guarded rules that I had spent building for what seems like a lifetime and then she took it upon herself to leave someone several voicemails, some of which she doesn't remember at all, and open up a can of emotions that should not be addressed. More like emotions that I don't want to address. I can't handle it. I'm not that strong.
I have no idea what will happen next. I hate being unprepared for these things. It makes me irrational. This is not a good state to be in right now. I'm tired. But I need to keep moving, keep trying to hold myself together. I need to. For myself. For him. I need to do this. Rebuild the walls. Rebuild my carefully built rules. Make it happen. |
Wisdom
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