I finally deleted it. I've never hovered over a button for so long. I made the moment important; like I just took some metaphorical step towards another part of my future. The future without him in it. The further I get away, the more anxious and scared I become, and yet I'm moving toward it. I keep moving forward, because as much as I can't imagine my life without him in it, I think that's exactly what I need to do. Every step has taken me closer to the clarity of why a friendship at the end of everything isn't as possible as I always assumed it would be; but I realized that I can't move forward without coming to terms with the person I am without him, who I am alone. And then this is why I didn't want to move on, it was never that I couldn't, I didn't want to. He taught me so many things that are so apart of me, like breathing, they gave me life; music, art, sex, anger, pain, acceptance, and most of all, love- he taught me how to love so deeply and so profoundly that I'm still moving on some four odd years later. And I've never wanted to let any of it go, and maybe some would say I shouldn't, but in the end, I believe with all of who I am- the revelation I have come to in these past couple of weeks, is that I need to find my own music, my own art, and deal with my own pain the way I would, not how we would have.
I haven't exactly been at my best lately. I've been emotional and overwhelmed by what was, and what could have been. Reflecting on the past is never a bad thing, unless you let it consume you so much that you forget to live right now. And I have been letting it consume me. It's taken over my emotions and I've started talking to a certain person again that I shouldn't be talking to, but he texted back, so is it okay that I opened that channel again? Probably not very healthy, emotion-wise, but nonetheless. I just miss my friend; and I know its okay to miss him, but he's got his own life to live, he has a girlfriend, he's got Nixon. I need to leave him alone, I need to live my own life...right? But then, my life is so stagnant. I go to work, I come home, I clean my apartment, I feed my boys, I go to bed alone - and the next day it starts all over again. The weekends are no different either. I sleep in, I watch TV, I clean my apartment, I do the laundry, I go to my parents, usually end up drunk somehow, watch a movie, go home, and pass out. Not exactly the best life that I'm living here. I need an outlet; I need something outside of what is so I can focus on what could be. Honestly, I think I lost my purpose; the purpose that fuels our lives, that gives us fulfillment and joy; and I have no idea how to get it back. I need to get it back, I need to feel something other than nothingness, something outside of the emptiness. emp·ti·ness /ˈem(p)tēnəs/ noun 1. the state of containing nothing. "the vast emptiness of space" synonyms: vacantness, bareness, blankness, clearness, barrenness, desolation 2. the quality of lacking meaning or sincerity; meaninglessness. "he realizes the emptiness of his statement" 3. the quality of having no value or purpose; futility. "feelings of emptiness and loneliness" Emptiness as a human condition is a sense of generalized boredom, social alienation and apathy. Feelings of emptiness often accompany depression, loneliness, and despair. A sense of emptiness is also part of a natural process of grief, as resulting in significant changes to one’s life. I had a dream that I woke up in my old bed at my old apartment on Matteson. Peter was snoring quietly next to me, and Nixon was curled up next to my leg. They both seemed so peaceful; and it was so real. I smelt my old room, the sound of the fan oscillating like it always did no matter what time of year it was- neither of us could ever sleep without the fan running. The room was exactly how I remembered it. I wanted to hold onto that moment so badly, but the difference in this moment was that I still remembered everything that has happened up until right now. I remembered the choices I had made, even though at this moment, I hadn't made them yet. I remembered the pain, the lonely nights I cried myself to sleep, I felt the anger and resentment, the emptiness. And as much as I was holding onto that moment, I realized going back meant I would lose Pelli and Ezio, I would never adopt them, I would never meet Yusuke and take him home with me. I would never have the freedom from my circumstances that I prayed for so badly when I was there, in that place, in that time. The guilt that hit me in that moment was so heavy, and when I woke up this morning in my bed with Yusuke's little paw stretched across my neck, I realized I wanted both. I wanted the past and the present, I wanted to go back and keep my new life, I wanted what made me happy then just as much as what makes me happy now...but life doesn't work that way and we can't have both and going back wouldn't change anything except resurface the pain it took to get out. The pain that's still present every time I close my eyes, every time I see something or smell something that reminds me of the days when I was apart of something real and tangible, apart of an "us"... But that was then, and this is now.
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Wisdom
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