Every day is a fight, as usual. Keep fighting. For those we love. For those that make our life worth it.
Listening to: Until The Day I Die...Story of the Year - classic.
Another evening and another day and another bit of time has passed me by. I just wish I could bring myself to care. I've been pushing so hard to be normal. I do what I know best. I spend time with my family. I spend time with my mother; someone I know has spent time thinking the exact same thoughts I think every day at this point. Drinking away the pain only goes so far. I take pride in being the best aunt I can be, and I know my nephews love me. They admire me, they look up to me. And I figured out why I wake up every day feeling so alone, despite all the love I have in my life. It's me. I am stopping me from finding happiness, from having it in my every day. I've known for a long time. I've known that its easier to help other with their lives then focus on my own; I've known that I am not happy with being myself. My brother says its because I have this mental idea in my head that "I am awesome" and that holds me back. At least, that is how I interpret it. Which is true. I do think extremely highly of myself. How the fuck do I overcome that? How do I bring my own self esteem down to a level that's considered "acceptable". Strange, how, when I am alone, I don't feel that way at all. If only I could explain it properly. I forget everything when I am with my family, when I am hanging with my nephews playing board games, or talking video games. I forget everything I have done the last twenty years of my life. I say twenty since I am not sure I can count the first ten years of my life, however, everything after that is definitely fair game. My entire being has been shaped and built by someone else, someone, as you all know if you've been reading, I gave my entire being to and I never took it back. I never wanted it back. I still don't. Imagine that. I don't even know who HE is anymore and I would still trust him with all of who I am. I would give him anything if he called tomorrow, and I know I would. Amazing. I can't even believe it myself. It's in the music I listen to, the TV I watch, the pop culture I like, the anime I watch, the designs I see in my head, all my creativity, all my growth, was because of him. And what have I been doing? Pining after someone who probably doesn't think of me, literally, ever. I'm pathetic. The funny thing is, I have such a strong side of myself. It can be overpowering sometimes. It tells me to pick myself up, to be stronger, to be better, to shut the fuck up and stop crying, to get my shit together, to figure it out. It motivates me. However, I've found it only lasts as long as I'm angry. I have to be mad at the world, I have to be mad at my circumstances, I have to be so infuriated for a constant period of time; and that just isn't me. I'm not that angry. I'm understanding. I'm rational. I'm empathetic. It clashes with so much of me that says I need to stop being a damn pussy and own up. The voice in my head that says, "you made your choices, now fucking own them" - "you've made you god damn bed, fucking sleep in it and be grateful that's the only shit you have to deal with." My problems are set within myself. I finally let go of my necklace. If I haven't mentioned it before, it was a sterling silver chain with everything that ever meant anything to me. Two of the items are from some of my Christmas' with Peter, and they were such a part of our relationship, I never took it off. For eight years, I wore that necklace. I don't think you can find a picture of me without it. Then I left. And after many months of despair, Brianna bought me another necklace with my initials in it, and it said, "with brave wings she flies" engraved. It was the most endearing thing and most life altering thing that she could have done, because to me, I had just done something so life changing and so difficult, in that moment, it felt like she was the only person who really understood everything I was dealing with, so I added it to my most precious items, that hand right next to my heart. That gave me strength, so I wore it with my past. I put it on my necklace and made that a part of me, of who I was, and who I was going to be. And in nearly eight years, I have not taken that necklace off, it became such a piece of me that I never thought I would let it go. Then my brothers spoke with me and I laid my heart out to them, and they said I needed to let it go. So I let it go. And when I'm alone, I still miss the feel of it around my neck. I never realized how much it gave me comfort, how much I depended on the feel of it. How much I was in love with the symbol of everything I had been through, how much I was in love with my own tragedy, in love with all those hard choices that got me to where I am now. I was so stuck in my own past, that I have no future. And then every time I think I could have one, I realize I never wanted one. I tell myself its not self pity, but at this point, who the fuck knows. Maybe I sadistically and subconsciously need it; to feel something, anything. I remember my nothingness from years ago. I haven't felt it in such a long time, but then I feel like I never really left it. Am I just that crazy? I'm not sure. I never really know where my mind is, and I have way too much alone time to ponder it. Half the time, I don't want to sleep. But then, when I do sleep, I could sleep forever. Seriously, going to bed for me is like losing days; I physically will not get up. I think its subconscious, but I'm no therapist to my own shit.
Every day is a fight, as usual. Keep fighting. For those we love. For those that make our life worth it. Listening to: Until The Day I Die...Story of the Year - classic.
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I haven't exactly been at my best lately. I've been emotional and overwhelmed by what was, and what could have been. Reflecting on the past is never a bad thing, unless you let it consume you so much that you forget to live right now. And I have been letting it consume me. It's taken over my emotions and I've started talking to a certain person again that I shouldn't be talking to, but he texted back, so is it okay that I opened that channel again? Probably not very healthy, emotion-wise, but nonetheless. I just miss my friend; and I know its okay to miss him, but he's got his own life to live, he has a girlfriend, he's got Nixon. I need to leave him alone, I need to live my own life...right? But then, my life is so stagnant. I go to work, I come home, I clean my apartment, I feed my boys, I go to bed alone - and the next day it starts all over again. The weekends are no different either. I sleep in, I watch TV, I clean my apartment, I do the laundry, I go to my parents, usually end up drunk somehow, watch a movie, go home, and pass out. Not exactly the best life that I'm living here. I need an outlet; I need something outside of what is so I can focus on what could be. Honestly, I think I lost my purpose; the purpose that fuels our lives, that gives us fulfillment and joy; and I have no idea how to get it back. I need to get it back, I need to feel something other than nothingness, something outside of the emptiness. emp·ti·ness /ˈem(p)tēnəs/ noun 1. the state of containing nothing. "the vast emptiness of space" synonyms: vacantness, bareness, blankness, clearness, barrenness, desolation 2. the quality of lacking meaning or sincerity; meaninglessness. "he realizes the emptiness of his statement" 3. the quality of having no value or purpose; futility. "feelings of emptiness and loneliness" Emptiness as a human condition is a sense of generalized boredom, social alienation and apathy. Feelings of emptiness often accompany depression, loneliness, and despair. A sense of emptiness is also part of a natural process of grief, as resulting in significant changes to one’s life. I had a dream that I woke up in my old bed at my old apartment on Matteson. Peter was snoring quietly next to me, and Nixon was curled up next to my leg. They both seemed so peaceful; and it was so real. I smelt my old room, the sound of the fan oscillating like it always did no matter what time of year it was- neither of us could ever sleep without the fan running. The room was exactly how I remembered it. I wanted to hold onto that moment so badly, but the difference in this moment was that I still remembered everything that has happened up until right now. I remembered the choices I had made, even though at this moment, I hadn't made them yet. I remembered the pain, the lonely nights I cried myself to sleep, I felt the anger and resentment, the emptiness. And as much as I was holding onto that moment, I realized going back meant I would lose Pelli and Ezio, I would never adopt them, I would never meet Yusuke and take him home with me. I would never have the freedom from my circumstances that I prayed for so badly when I was there, in that place, in that time. The guilt that hit me in that moment was so heavy, and when I woke up this morning in my bed with Yusuke's little paw stretched across my neck, I realized I wanted both. I wanted the past and the present, I wanted to go back and keep my new life, I wanted what made me happy then just as much as what makes me happy now...but life doesn't work that way and we can't have both and going back wouldn't change anything except resurface the pain it took to get out. The pain that's still present every time I close my eyes, every time I see something or smell something that reminds me of the days when I was apart of something real and tangible, apart of an "us"... But that was then, and this is now.
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