Lately, I've been reflecting on the hard choices I've had to make in the last couple of years. The people that I have tried so hard to let go of or to keep, the life I have been trying so hard to live - the life I've been trying so hard to fulfill. I've been going over all these choices in my mind, circling around them, wondering how things could have turned out different if I approached them with a little more care or a little more finesse. And then I realized that if I had done just that, if I had taken my time, if I had let myself drown in the chaotic mixture of their feelings and my own...I would still be there. As much as the choices I needed to make were more for others involved, I won't pretend that in the end, it didn't serve my own benefit as well. And if I hadn't pushed myself to make a choice, I would still be exactly where I was, never moving forward, never changing for the better, never finding the happiness I know that I deserve. And it would never have opened those options up to all those involved, all those I loved - now they have the ability to move forward too, to find something, someone, so much better than what we were becoming together. And while it still hurts, a numbing physical pain that resonates from deep within my heart and mind, I know that I couldn't have made better choices at the time I made them. I couldn't have done anything different that would have spared anyone the pain or the anger. But a choice had to be made, and I made it, with great hesitation and with a heavy heart at my side the whole way.
I'm not going to say that we're only human, because I don't believe in an excuse that allows people an out - an excuse that lets people believe that they can't be any better, that this is who they are and nothing will ever change. Change will always be a choice - it's a really hard choice, but a choice nonetheless. You can be whoever you want to be or whoever you need to be in whatever moment you choose, whether you believe it or not. Or you can stay exactly the same, stuck in the idea of who you think you are and who you believe you will always be. The real question isn't why should I change for anyone else - the real question is why should I change for myself? You always have to come first. I always have to come first. And when this happens, you can grow together independently. No obligations. No impossible standards. No tests or games. No hypocritical bullshit. Just two people who accept who they are, who know they can always be better, who know they can always grow into understanding and make the choices that need to be made for themselves, while also accepting that it's the same for the other person. "I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine." - AYN RAND You are here to live for yourself, to be the best person you know you can be. You are here to learn, to fill your mind with knowledge and experiences. You are here to laugh and cry and to hit rock bottom and to find you have the strength to get back up again or to not find it at all. Searching for your own strength in what seems like impossible situations, and then finding it - it seems like such a small feat and yet to one person, it can be everything they have ever held dear, it can be just one person taking on the universe. You are here to affect other people, just as they are here to affect you, whether it's good or bad. One emotion-ridden angry word or one honest and genuine compliment can mean everything to one person, nothing to another, and indifference to someone else. It's called perspective. per·spec·tive pərˈspektiv/ noun plural noun: perspectives 1. a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view. "most guidebook history is written from the editor's perspective" synonyms: attitude, frame of mind, standpoint, interpretation, way of looking, approach, point of view "her perspective on things had changed" a. true understanding of the relative importance of things; a sense of proportion. "we must keep a sense of perspective about what he's done" - late Middle English (in the sense ‘optics’): from medieval Latin perspectiva (ars ) ‘science of optics,’ from perspect- ‘looked at closely,’ from the verb perspicere, from per- ‘through’ + specere ‘to look.’ People are always looking for some greater purpose, for some vast and extraordinary possibility - everyone wants to feel that special - and it's not a bad thing; special to a lover, special to your family, special to a higher power, special to your animals, special to your friends - it's human nature to want to be accepted, to want to be wanted - and generally, if you can't get any of that love from yourself, then you'll always be looking outward rather then inward, you'll always be dependent on others when you should be able to depend on yourself. This is why people struggle every day with the most famous of questions: Who am I? What am I doing here? What is my purpose? The majority of us, including myself, look to the support of all those around us all our lives, and when the day finally comes when its time for us to "recognize our purpose", to "get out on our own", our first reaction is confusion, which then leads to stress, depression, anger, and resentment. Or maybe for some of us, I know I felt this, we're so excited at first to feel that first burst of freedom, to feel satisfied with ourselves that we finally did it - and then as soon as that first problem hits - financially (having trouble making rent, can't pay to fill that stupid oil tank that you don't think should exist in modern society, etc.) - or emotionally (your roommate bails on you last minute, your boyfriend leaves you, you leave him, you get fired, etc) - you break down and all those emotions come pile-driving right into your face, the stress, depression, anger, resentment - And then we act out against the very people we were depending on before all this happened (like they don't have problems of their own, like they aren't dealing with the same shit you are) because if you don't understand yourself and you've been living through other people all this time rather than living through yourself, then who else would you look to blame for your confusion, for your distress? Your parents, your siblings, your friends, your lover - when you should look to yourself and set the blame. Not in a bad way. Blame has such a bad connotation attached to it, when really, blame is the first step to the choice of change or the choice of acceptance. Blame is the finger that points out the problem and knowing the problem can lead you to a solution. People and society in general make it about shame, about exposing your mistakes and throwing it in your face - and it works on people who are lost, they get defensive, feel like their self-esteem is being attacked, these are the people who haven't figured out yet that everyone makes choices and everyone makes mistakes and everyone finds one way or another how to deal with it. It's what we do, you can't avoid the necessity of choice. "Every man builds his world in his own image. He has the power to choose, but no power to escape the necessity of choice." - AYN RAND Here's a few questions: Did you make a choice relegated by fear, by anger, by sadness? Did you make a choice based on hope, or your own personal idea of some fantasy future you have pictured in your mind? Did you make a choice thinking you were going to get something back, that this choice would lead to a certain outcome that you really can't predict? These are your initial mistakes that lead to the later ones. When you have to make a choice, no matter what it is, whether it's as extreme as "should I pull the plug?" - "should I keep the baby?" - "should I leave him, our home, our children?" or as simple as "if I get my hair done or I lose weight, will he notice me?" - "should I make him jealous?". It doesn't matter if he notices you or if she notices you - there's no relying on false hope to make your choices, keep the baby because you have the confidence and the sheer will in yourself to love and provide for another human being, leave because you know that your settling and that staying isn't saving anyone, get your hair done because it makes you feel good and makes you feel sexy, lose weight because it makes you feel healthy, energized and motivated, and don't try and force something from someone that doesn't exist, recognize where you need to draw a line on your own emotions, stop trying to control what you cannot control - and then trust me, the person who notices you because you're just being you, is the person worth your time.
You are here because you were born - it doesn't matter where you come from, it doesn't matter who you come from, and it certainly doesn't matter where you might be going after this life comes to it's final end - what matters is how you make your choices every day, right now, and then in the end, what choices you decided to make. Own them, trust yourself to do what you believe is right, what you understand to be "the right choice", and hope that others around you do the same, but also know that they may not.
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Wisdom
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