Another year, another night, another minute. I want to talk to him, to reach out, but I don't know what to say. I don't know how to do it. I can't keep running, but I know it's the best thing I've ever done. I know, one day, I'll stop, unable to run anymore and I'll have to face my one real truth. The one that sits in my heart, so deep, so dark, so hidden from everyone. The truth that wouldn't help anyone, and the truth that keeps me awake at night, the truth that I will stay numb to for the rest of my days. I have to stay numb. I have to keep pushing forward. I know I want to go back, I want to see him, I want to be there on Christmas morning, I want to see him smile and hear him laugh - this will be the last time I mention it. It has to be. I won't make it if I keep this up. This isn't for me, it's never been about me. Though some days I wish I could make it that way. I wish I could take for myself and ignore everything else. I wish I could go home. "Home is where the heart is..." I haven't been home in a very long time. It won't kill me if I block it out, if I run away, if I keep running. It won't kill me if I stay numb. In the end, it doesn't matter. My rights have been stripped, I did that to myself. He gave me no choice. I had to act, I had to do something, anything. I felt like I needed to save him and I've only been drowning myself in the process. I forgot, after everything, that I might need someone to save me too. Christmas was our favorite, it will always be our favorite. And in my mind, it will always be ours. I can't imagine what comes next. I can't imagine where I go from here. I hope I have a chance to tell him everything before we reach the end. I hope I have the strength and the right words to tell him my story. And I know his story will not match mine in the least, but I hope one day he tells me his story, maybe I'll be worthy of that much in the end.
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Wisdom
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