-Unknown
"...and you were just like the moon, so lonely, so full of imperfections - but just like the moon, you shined in times of darkness." -Unknown That last part isn't true for me. I'm always looking back. How could I not? When I give, I'm all in - "all in" isn't based on anything other than my own feelings and exactly what I have control over. "All in" is allowing myself to fall so hard that they could love someone else, and I would still be there - or if the love is unrequited. I believe that this Rob person is holding the respect he deserves, and that is something else. We always look back, Rob. If you're really "all in" - we, the people who love deeply, but also know how to love ourselves just as well - we always look back; because people like us, have to always remind ourselves of why we left. It's easy to get caught up in the romantic fantasies that we create in our heads, so very easy to believe in something that we want to see rather than what is really there. The rational want to believe in fairytales, and sometimes our dreams get the best of us; but then our mind sets us straight and we respect who we are, just as we always have. Doesn't mean we don't indulge every once in a while. We are the ones that have to look back; because loving someone so fully isn't about walking away and never looking back, its not about running away or forgetting - its about respecting them as a human being, and really, we'll just be happy that they're happy, and hope that we can feel, again, as overwhelmed with love as when we were with them.
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How is this going to help me? Its not. It's definitely not. There's this thing that is happening, but its not a thing. Which is good, because it shouldn't be a thing. It's nothing, and its the first time I've really liked nothing. I know this won't make sense to any one but myself, however, some recent events have taken place and some nicely placed compliments have been thrown my way, and I have been renewed on the idea that I'm not just some lost cause going through the motions. That I am attractive, and that my love life hasn't died; that there is hope for me yet. That I can be loved, even when I'm not expecting it. And its sad that it comes from nothing. And by nothing, I mean something (or someone) that can never be, in which case, it is exactly that, nothing. So yeah, it is a little sad that it took nothing to get me moving again. A few nice words from the opposite sex, and someone I trust, and I'm some desperate, stupid child for a whole second until it hits me, this might be what I needed. Maybe it does help me. Maybe, this needed to happen so he can escape for a little bit in a world that isn't monotonous and suffocating, and I get the benefits of someone telling me I'm beautiful for once in my long history of my life where that compliment has basically only ever come from my parents. Remember that ex I told you about? He never said I was beautiful. And in my mind, I think I always compared myself to the woman he took photos of. These beautiful girls that would light up the room, and they were so photogenic, that I always felt I was being added to some kind of checklist; and always being compared and him realizing that I didn't have any of that. I don't wear bright red lipstick and wear fishnet stockings and dress up all the time. That's not me. I like that old timey love, the respectful kind of love. Nothing to gain by being with them, just your best friend who has your back, and you always have theirs. The type of love that makes you get mad on their behalf. The type of love that makes you want to talk to them every day, to wake up next to them, to kiss them when they tell you they missed you, because you know you missed them too. The type of love that brightens your day, no matter how awful it might have been. The type of love that shows you that even if everyone else in the world wasn't there, they would make living worth it. To be worthy of that kind of love, its all I've ever wanted. And when I give it, I want that other someone to feel worthy too.
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Wisdom
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