Every day is a fight, as usual. Keep fighting. For those we love. For those that make our life worth it.
Listening to: Until The Day I Die...Story of the Year - classic.
Another evening and another day and another bit of time has passed me by. I just wish I could bring myself to care. I've been pushing so hard to be normal. I do what I know best. I spend time with my family. I spend time with my mother; someone I know has spent time thinking the exact same thoughts I think every day at this point. Drinking away the pain only goes so far. I take pride in being the best aunt I can be, and I know my nephews love me. They admire me, they look up to me. And I figured out why I wake up every day feeling so alone, despite all the love I have in my life. It's me. I am stopping me from finding happiness, from having it in my every day. I've known for a long time. I've known that its easier to help other with their lives then focus on my own; I've known that I am not happy with being myself. My brother says its because I have this mental idea in my head that "I am awesome" and that holds me back. At least, that is how I interpret it. Which is true. I do think extremely highly of myself. How the fuck do I overcome that? How do I bring my own self esteem down to a level that's considered "acceptable". Strange, how, when I am alone, I don't feel that way at all. If only I could explain it properly. I forget everything when I am with my family, when I am hanging with my nephews playing board games, or talking video games. I forget everything I have done the last twenty years of my life. I say twenty since I am not sure I can count the first ten years of my life, however, everything after that is definitely fair game. My entire being has been shaped and built by someone else, someone, as you all know if you've been reading, I gave my entire being to and I never took it back. I never wanted it back. I still don't. Imagine that. I don't even know who HE is anymore and I would still trust him with all of who I am. I would give him anything if he called tomorrow, and I know I would. Amazing. I can't even believe it myself. It's in the music I listen to, the TV I watch, the pop culture I like, the anime I watch, the designs I see in my head, all my creativity, all my growth, was because of him. And what have I been doing? Pining after someone who probably doesn't think of me, literally, ever. I'm pathetic. The funny thing is, I have such a strong side of myself. It can be overpowering sometimes. It tells me to pick myself up, to be stronger, to be better, to shut the fuck up and stop crying, to get my shit together, to figure it out. It motivates me. However, I've found it only lasts as long as I'm angry. I have to be mad at the world, I have to be mad at my circumstances, I have to be so infuriated for a constant period of time; and that just isn't me. I'm not that angry. I'm understanding. I'm rational. I'm empathetic. It clashes with so much of me that says I need to stop being a damn pussy and own up. The voice in my head that says, "you made your choices, now fucking own them" - "you've made you god damn bed, fucking sleep in it and be grateful that's the only shit you have to deal with." My problems are set within myself. I finally let go of my necklace. If I haven't mentioned it before, it was a sterling silver chain with everything that ever meant anything to me. Two of the items are from some of my Christmas' with Peter, and they were such a part of our relationship, I never took it off. For eight years, I wore that necklace. I don't think you can find a picture of me without it. Then I left. And after many months of despair, Brianna bought me another necklace with my initials in it, and it said, "with brave wings she flies" engraved. It was the most endearing thing and most life altering thing that she could have done, because to me, I had just done something so life changing and so difficult, in that moment, it felt like she was the only person who really understood everything I was dealing with, so I added it to my most precious items, that hand right next to my heart. That gave me strength, so I wore it with my past. I put it on my necklace and made that a part of me, of who I was, and who I was going to be. And in nearly eight years, I have not taken that necklace off, it became such a piece of me that I never thought I would let it go. Then my brothers spoke with me and I laid my heart out to them, and they said I needed to let it go. So I let it go. And when I'm alone, I still miss the feel of it around my neck. I never realized how much it gave me comfort, how much I depended on the feel of it. How much I was in love with the symbol of everything I had been through, how much I was in love with my own tragedy, in love with all those hard choices that got me to where I am now. I was so stuck in my own past, that I have no future. And then every time I think I could have one, I realize I never wanted one. I tell myself its not self pity, but at this point, who the fuck knows. Maybe I sadistically and subconsciously need it; to feel something, anything. I remember my nothingness from years ago. I haven't felt it in such a long time, but then I feel like I never really left it. Am I just that crazy? I'm not sure. I never really know where my mind is, and I have way too much alone time to ponder it. Half the time, I don't want to sleep. But then, when I do sleep, I could sleep forever. Seriously, going to bed for me is like losing days; I physically will not get up. I think its subconscious, but I'm no therapist to my own shit.
Every day is a fight, as usual. Keep fighting. For those we love. For those that make our life worth it. Listening to: Until The Day I Die...Story of the Year - classic.
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I've never really been alone. All this time, I thought I had some semblance of an idea. It takes a while to really set in, but its here. I expected so much more feeling to come. I expected it to be...I don't know, emotional. Not that I'm not, but it's so subtle. On one hand, I miss being at home, surrounded by people, constantly having conversation with someone. On the other hand, I now know what its like to stay completely silent for what seems like forever. I haven't even reached the stage of talking to myself yet, which I know will eventually come. A whole weekend, just me and the TV and my new tiny little apartment. I went grocery shopping for the first time since I moved in. Reminds me of the old days. I've really just spent this whole weekend doing nothing, technically recovering from a way-too-fun Friday night, but still, vegging out just the same. And now I am awake at 4:00 in the morning, writing in this blog, since tomorrow is a holiday and I don't have work. Life is funny that way, kind of working out, but then in some ways, throwing me curve balls and knocking me off of my feet. Nothing has come yet, but I can't help but get that feeling like something is coming. I'm sure it's nothing; being in the apartment by myself is giving me a lot of time and space to think. It's a very strange, yet liberating feeling. That could be why I am getting the "something will go wrong" feeling - that's just the universe trying to balance itself out - can't have one without the other. Lonely Acceptance Stranger, a whisper from my lips, trolling danger from my tongue Cold rain falling, a soft drip of evaporated earth, completely undone A reflecting pool of tears, smothered sleep and dreamless waves Creation flailing against truth, patterns of emotion rippling in staves Absence of beings like oneself, quietly drifting through open planes Beyond the end, driven into the new, silent drops down porcelain drains Adapting a new friend, an inner light that survives unfortunate sorrow The candle lit as bright as the heavens that will ascend to another tomorrow Clear is now the path, smooth and clean, that is desperately desired and sought Wish hard, for change is constant and unloving, and only confronted by toiling thought -Alexandra Factor, October 9, 2017, 4:30am It's been a while, but I think it's good. I'll have to reread it in the morning to see if it's actually any good. I'm pretty tired now. Guess I should give it a try and get some sleep. Until next time. Good night I've been surrounded by people all of my life. Family. Friends. Friends of friends. A part of me has never really known what it feels like to be truly and utterly alone; and yet, there are so many moments in my life that I can look back on, where I told myself I was feeling just that. I used to call it my nothingness. I always imagined what it would look like if the word could actually take a physical form; and in my mind, the image of an empty and dark room always came into view. The smell always reminded me of my old bedroom when it was stripped down to nothing but bare walls and bare floors. Shallow ceilings, a grungy light blue coloring to the walls with cracks in every corner. And me standing in the center of it. Not as a first person view, but my consciousness seeing myself as I believe I truly am. No emotion, no expression. Although, knowing myself, when I look at my own face, I would probably call a blank expression contentedness. Content to be in my nothingness, to accept it, to understand it. Nothingness; it was a type of emptiness that I just dealt with over the years. I believe that I am content with it because it was easier to make peace with something so deep and dark inside my own mind; to me, fighting against it means fighting your own self, it means pushing away when in reality, your own darkness and your light should be the main things in this world you ever truly understand. And by accepting them, you accept yourself. My understanding, my acceptance is my strength. Two weeks ago, my coworker - a very good friend, a smart and talented guy - died in his sleep. He was 42 years old. One day I saw him and the next, we were told that he was gone, and it didn't seem real; like someone was lying to us, like it was some cruel joke that none of us really got. The knowledge of him being gone hasn't changed the fact that I literally struggle to believe it. It's so strange to come to work every day and not see him there. I haven't had the heart to take down his time card. He started this season with us, I keep thinking that we should at least pretend he could finish it too. Some days, when I clock in and I see his time card, I forget that he's never coming back. It's like he's out sick or he took another day off of work to help his father. It just doesn't feel like the world has lost him completely, that we've lost him completely. I get a hard reminder when I sit down at my office desk and see the receipt sitting on my clipboard because I'm not really sure how to file it away. The memo from the check stub that says "Donation to Heath's Funeral" hits me randomly over the course of the day. And then when I look at my jam packed schedule hanging on my office wall, Wednesday, May 3rd stands out with green marker "Heath's Funeral". He would have been with us to the end of all this. And it would have been grand. You would think these little things, these notes hanging around our place of work would set in some kind of realization, the proof that tells you its real, that he is really gone. It doesn't. He doesn't feel gone. He was so alive the last time I saw him, which was only the morning before. It's only made life that much more fragile in my mind. Some would say he died because it was just his time, others would say that he died because he was a smoker and didn't take care of himself - To be snuffed out like that; to know that if you go to sleep, you may never wake up; it's not me I would worry about, I imagine dying in your sleep would be the nicest way to go, you wouldn't even be aware of what was happening, you would just stay within your dream forever. It would be all the people that would mourn my passing, just like we are all mourning now. All the things you would have liked to say to me or not say to me, all the things you would have done differently if you had known that my time was almost up. Then I imagine all the things I would want to say before I was swept away into darkness without the finality of a goodbye, without the closure of an "I love you". I would tell my family to be strong, every person in our family has strong hearts and they know that even though I wouldn't be there, that they could still hold strong together. I would tell them how much I would miss them and that I know they would miss me too. I would tell my mom how precious she is to me and that her heart is the reason behind all the happiness I ever felt in my life. I would tell my daddy that he is the greatest man on this earth and that he should never give up on his dreams, that I am so, so proud of him for every thing he has ever accomplished and for being my best friend, my confidant when I needed him most. I would tell my brothers how grateful I am for them; that without all three of them, I would not have had the strength, the confidence, or the passion to get through all my hard days - they always made everything better in my life. I would tell my friends to come together, stay strong, remember how much I love them and that I know how much they love me. I promise I'm okay and where ever you believe I am, I'm happy. I know I will be wishing you were all there with me, to laugh with me, to help me through, but after all this time, I finally have to get some damn independence! Makes sense that would only happen in death. <3 To life, to the living, to death, and to the dead. I need to cry. I need to react. Why can't I just let it go and understand the situation; understand that being emotionally invested from the beginning was too much, it was probably too overwhelming for everyone involved. I do that sometimes. I knew I was going to fuck something up. I just knew it. I think I'm holding on because there's this little glint of hope still sitting in my chest that keeps telling me I'm wrong, that this is going where I want it to go, that I'm overthinking everything and I'm just being crazy. I do that sometimes too. I'm doing everything I can to surpass all my insecurities, all the little things that I can blow out of proportion and create some crazy reason why its not working out in my favor, or why I don't deserve it. I probably don't deserve it any way, it all seemed too easy, too natural - I pushed too hard too fast and I'm sure it didn't go unnoticed. I always scare people away, it's kind of my thing I guess. Not the greatest attribute, but I don't know how to not be that person. I have to be straight forward, I have to be totally honest, I have to be the person that lays everything right on the line and asks if you're either in or you're out, is it a yes or a no...I have to know, because I can't read anyone's mind and I have no control over anything other than my own thoughts, in which case, I drive my own mind crazy with my distorted irrationalities, going back and forth between reason and what I know to what I don't know and what I may never know. And then there's the sad fact that maybe what I had when I was younger wasn't there any more, maybe what made me attractable was who I used to be and now that I'm older and, I would imagine, very different in the eyes of someone who hasn't spent time with me in the last 15 years, I'm just not what they expected, I'm not who they remember; and then maybe, they just realized that they didn't want this to begin with, it was just some grand sense of nostalgia, a lost feeling from years ago that seemed to fuel the desire and now that its been experienced, the desire is gone. That's a pretty profound thought, but even when I read it to myself, there is this little piece of me that is screaming at me that I'm wrong, that I'm being ridiculous - and this annoying little voice is the reason why I haven't cried or let my feelings go yet. And that's my sad little story and only further accentuates how clearly messed up I am right now.
What is control? Control is the power to influence or direct people's behavior. I would imagine that would also include having the power to influence or direct your own personal behavior as well, to be able to control the emotions behind the behavior. The behavior, the way in which one acts or conducts oneself, especially toward others, is influenced by the emotions. To control one is to control the other. You can be angry and still control the behavior of that anger; making the choice to not act on it, the choice to not punch the wall or throw things. You can also choose to act out in an angry way and yet still have complete control over the emotion behind it. It's the choice that makes people different, the choice that makes our paths different.
I have little control over my emotions, but I always have complete control over my behavior. I can name only a few times throughout my entire life where I acted on irrational thought and emotion; certainly none of them are considered my proudest moments, however, I never find myself regretting them. One of them - one that I consider a very important moment in my life - I eventually found closure and luckily, I was forgiven. The actions taken when I was young - while I tried my very best to always consider every option, to consider every point of view - those actions stand out as my learning curve. Had I never experienced them, I could very well be blind to it today. A ticking time bomb. Letting go back then is what keeps everything reigned in for me now. I would like to say that my emotions and my irrational thoughts were reigned in as well, and to some extent, I guess you could say they are. I try to keep my emotions to myself; they are my burden to bear, and mine alone. People have their own emotions to figure out, it's stressful enough. I can bear mine and his and hers and theirs if I have to. I will bear it because I am strong, I am in control, and I can handle it. Hits I can take. Even when my irrational thoughts and overbearing emotions stand in my way. I have to keep my control, keep my composure, keep my strength. I will keep them, because that's who I am. Uncertainty is insecurity. Ignorance is fear. Such a scary predicament to be in and since it's been so long since I've been in it, facing it now seems almost impossible. How does one start over, start fresh when every dream needs to be re-imagined? And when those dreams come too fast or something that was impossible becomes a possibility again, how does one not run away from sheer fright or frustration? I honestly don't know what I'm doing and I've never felt so vulnerable, so exposed in all my life. I like to believe that I am confident in myself, my own rational thought, and I trust myself to make the right choices even when they are hard or seemingly impossible to make; but saying it and doing it is so different and just being able to recognize those moments seems hardest of all. And how do you tell someone they are important to you without scaring them away because it seems too early or too fast or for a million reasons that make me sound like a naive child. Or how to tell someone that you've already been broken, you've been down this road before, and since you have been slowly rebuilding some semblance of who you used to be, they make you feel good again. And if they don't return those feelings - I haven't dealt with rejection in so long, I forgot how to even approach it. I know my end result will be the same - this is because I am content with my own feelings and I know they are real and I will stand by them - but to accept someone else's choice whether it be in my favor or not - this takes all my focus and all my energy. I need to accept it. I have to accept it - but if that someone's answer is no, I won't want to accept it. Although, at that point, what I want will no longer matter, will no longer be of any importance. Love can only be real love if that love is returned willingly, it can never be forced or manipulated, it has to be earned. That's clearly where I am right now - I clearly have not earned anything. My impatience and my overwhelming emotions have kept me from seeing the truth behind my problem; that there is no problem. The questions I have been asking myself are unknown because the subject has not been breached and no actions have been taken to make me think that anything negative will eventually befall me. "Lips and tongues lie. Actions never do." Follow through with my actions, have patience, be honest, and be true to myself - everything else will fall into place as it should - and if it should fall apart, which is me simply stating that it could happen, then I will accept it wholeheartedly. When I accept someone into my heart, my life, my family, my world - I accept all of them, for who they are, for who they want to be, and for who they will be - and this includes letting them go if they do not see me in their future. As I would hope they would do for me if the situations were reversed. ...sometimes it sucks that I still miss him, that I still think about him. And then sometimes it reminds me of who I am.
I think that's a good thing. Listening to Armor for Sleep. I have this Florida house to myself, sitting at the island, if I am reading this then I'll remember it. My cousins - Jack, Shel, Martin (her boyfriend), Michael, and his girlfriend Caitlin all went to Hollywood studios. I took a relax day, slept in until 10am, got up and made breakfast.
Found out I could hook up my external hard drive up to the main tv and play my music so I was super pumped about that. Started with Disney music and slowly drifted to Armor for Sleep. Always makes me think of a certain someone. I miss him sometimes, and I've found myself wishing he was here these last couple of days. Not surprising, his company always made me feel better and I've learned in the last six months that it had nothing to do with our problems or the shit we put on each other, it was just a great feeling when we were together, that we always knew the right things to talk about and everything came so naturally. Sadly, you can't have what's definitely lost to you; no going back now, but I get happy when I think of him and I think that's a good thing. Here I am, in the heart of Disney World, the place where dreams come true; where the imagination is infinite and the possibilities are endless. On the monorail to Epcot, I am hoping to find that happiness that only this place can give me. This trip is my first solo adventure into what has changed my life all those years ago. Alone, and surrounded by parents and their children, newlyweds, and retirees all looking for something; excitement pursuing the unknown or searching for an old feeling, a once brilliant flame that may have extinguished years before and may just need to be kindled back to life.
"If you can dream it, you can do it." Truer words were never spoken. I truly believe in that concept. It follows the same principles as "if you put your mind to it" or "strength through adversity" - Disney just liked to keep everything at a child's reach which is why he was so beloved by all young and old. His brilliance and his ability to bring joy to the lives of many shines so brightly here at Disney World that it is difficult not to appreciate every bit of genius that has been put into all of it. My solo journey has been everything I wanted it to be, scratch that, everything I needed it to be. For my second day on this vacation, I am in a place of peace, understanding, and nostalgia. It is only 2:37pm but I would say that today has been a good day, a day that I will remember always. |
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