Let it go (April 2018) Reflection
Even knowing all of this- how can it still be this hard to let it go. How can it be this painful to finally say the words I've been avoiding? The words that have been sitting in the back of my mind? A prison of uncertainties and insecurities bottled away because the reality of it is too difficult to face. Accepting the finality of being this shell of a person rather than speaking the truth and understanding exactly what the meaning behind all of it is and yet gripping to this mindful creation, to this bubble of existence that reality can't touch.
What was is now gone. You imagine that you had no warning at first, that the possibility of an ending was never in your sights. That the shadow of what was comes into existence and all of sudden, you find that you can’t stop crying. You can’t stop feeling. It’s become a part of who you are now. It’s the end and the beginning, an epilogue of what is hiding somewhere in the middle, and all of you becomes tangible, open, real. So you hide it, let it drift quietly to the back of your mind. The thoughts and dreams of yesterday that travel over your skin when you're alone, when you're sad, when you want to pop out of existence for just one split minute so you can finally breathe- breathe and live your life knowing that you made these choices, and you can live with them knowing you did everything in your power to make things right, to make them okay, to understand and make peace with the battle that has raged inside of you since this harrowing journey began.
drift away with me
into the night filled darkness
Troubled tears
won't you stay with me
Lie with me regardless
See my thoughts
my heart bleeding
The path not yet before us
My cries betray me
Committed to the end
The siren sings my chorus
Finality is reality
Yesterday bared in mind
As the betrayal comes in throes
Light showers dance
And flowers breathe in spring
This is the life I chose
-Alexandra Factor
October 4, 2019
Finalized: November 12, 2019