'hEr-rIth (HEER-eyeth)
pronounced hiraɪ̯θ
noun
1. homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was
an intense form of longing or nostalgia, wistfulness
the grief for the lost places of your past
"Hiraeth beckons with wordless call,
hear, my soul, with heart enthrall'd.
Hiraeth whispers while earth I roam;
Here I wait the call "come home." [citation]
-a Welsh word for which there is no direct English translation; likens it to homesickness tinged with grief or sadness over the lost or departed. It is a mix of longing, yearning, nostalgia, wistfulness, or an earnest desire for the Wales of the past.
I have no idea what will happen next. I hate being unprepared for these things. It makes me irrational. This is not a good state to be in right now. I'm tired. But I need to keep moving, keep trying to hold myself together. I need to. For myself. For him. I need to do this. Rebuild the walls. Rebuild my carefully built rules. Make it happen.