And to continue my life long story of forever failing and constantly doing stupid things; I have once again fallen into a pit of uncertainty and have not only created a massive amount of life content that creates dramatic impulses, but I have also reversed all my hard work into an old routine that will not, for the life of me, leave me in peace. God damn it. I made it so far, only to fall back into his curs-ed, wonderfully annoying, ridiculously selfish, fantastically safe, unbelievably loving arms; I can't believe I let that happen...AGAIN. When will I ever learn? And then it goes and stirs everything up all over again, every bit of anger that I've built up so perfectly, every bit of regret that comes bursting through the seams, every unbearable lonely night wishing he was there and every excuse I ever gave him for being exactly who he is. Son of a bitch. This past weekend was a wonderful miscalculation in my stupid empathetic realm of chaos that I would not change for anything; it reminded me of all the reasons why I fell in love with him, while also remembering why I made myself accept every thing he was, including his selfishness, his co-dependence, and his lack of emotion. I'm so screwed right now, it hurts. The worst part - he doesn't even know. The idiot has absolutely no idea. Oblivious, as always, missing every facet of the bigger picture of what was our relationship because of his inability to see past his own "victimization", his own idea of HIS world, when reflecting on what was once OURS. And then sometimes I worry that I've gone and done the same thing. Maybe I am as much to blame as he is. Maybe I got so caught up in my own misery that I didn't even bother trying to figure out his, and then I think, maybe we both gave up without actually giving up, just simply coasting through what was US while not really being an US at all. Shit. It's amazing how fast all your hard work can go out the window when your heart is so fixated on getting what it wants. I've made every decision so far with my mind, my logic, my ability to understand people and who they are and what motivates them and what moves them. I haven't been able to make any decisions from my own selfishness or from my own sense of love and desire. I didn't leave because I wanted to. I left because he needed me to. I left because I had to. And he hates me for it; he probably always will.
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