I've never really been alone. All this time, I thought I had some semblance of an idea. It takes a while to really set in, but its here. I expected so much more feeling to come. I expected it to be...I don't know, emotional. Not that I'm not, but it's so subtle. On one hand, I miss being at home, surrounded by people, constantly having conversation with someone. On the other hand, I now know what its like to stay completely silent for what seems like forever. I haven't even reached the stage of talking to myself yet, which I know will eventually come. A whole weekend, just me and the TV and my new tiny little apartment. I went grocery shopping for the first time since I moved in. Reminds me of the old days. I've really just spent this whole weekend doing nothing, technically recovering from a way-too-fun Friday night, but still, vegging out just the same. And now I am awake at 4:00 in the morning, writing in this blog, since tomorrow is a holiday and I don't have work. Life is funny that way, kind of working out, but then in some ways, throwing me curve balls and knocking me off of my feet. Nothing has come yet, but I can't help but get that feeling like something is coming. I'm sure it's nothing; being in the apartment by myself is giving me a lot of time and space to think. It's a very strange, yet liberating feeling. That could be why I am getting the "something will go wrong" feeling - that's just the universe trying to balance itself out - can't have one without the other. Lonely Acceptance Stranger, a whisper from my lips, trolling danger from my tongue Cold rain falling, a soft drip of evaporated earth, completely undone A reflecting pool of tears, smothered sleep and dreamless waves Creation flailing against truth, patterns of emotion rippling in staves Absence of beings like oneself, quietly drifting through open planes Beyond the end, driven into the new, silent drops down porcelain drains Adapting a new friend, an inner light that survives unfortunate sorrow The candle lit as bright as the heavens that will ascend to another tomorrow Clear is now the path, smooth and clean, that is desperately desired and sought Wish hard, for change is constant and unloving, and only confronted by toiling thought -Alexandra Factor, October 9, 2017, 4:30am It's been a while, but I think it's good. I'll have to reread it in the morning to see if it's actually any good. I'm pretty tired now. Guess I should give it a try and get some sleep. Until next time. Good night This post was originally going to be about old friends. It was going to be about how everyone moves on and I'm the only one that ever seems to want to rekindle the past. People have their own lives. They have their own dreams, their own focus. It's time I start taking control of my own. I need to take control of my life, my wants, my needs. I need to own up to who I am and who I want to be. I need to develop the strength to be alone, so when I'm with someone, I can be exactly who I need to be when I need it. No need to lean on them, I already know how to lean on myself. No need to push them down or create impossible expectations, I already expect everything I need from myself and I can show them how to do the same. I can lift them up with me, and if they don't want to be lifted, then I can walk away without a scratch. Depend on me. Depend on who I am. My thoughts. My mind. My actions. These are the things that I can control. These define my kind of god. The power of one mind is so extraordinary, all I need to do is harness it. Easier said then done. Sometimes a little effort puts us right on track and then that little bit of slack puts us right back into the line of fire. "It's about disciplining your emotions, so you can make good decisions. It's about having the discipline to control your ego, so your ego doesn't get out of hand and control you." |
choice CHois/ noun noun: choice; plural noun: choices 1. an act of selecting or making a decision when faced with two or more possibilities. "the choice between good and evil" synonyms: option, alternative, possible course of action "you have no other choice" a. the right or ability to make, or possibility of making, such a selection. "I had to do it, I had no choice" synonyms: selection, election, choosing, picking |
The real question isn't why should I change for anyone else - the real question is why should I change for myself? You always have to come first. I always have to come first. And when this happens, you can grow together independently. No obligations. No impossible standards. No tests or games. No hypocritical bullshit. Just two people who accept who they are, who know they can always be better, who know they can always grow into understanding and make the choices that need to be made for themselves, while also accepting that it's the same for the other person.
"I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine." - AYN RAND
pərˈspektiv/
noun
plural noun: perspectives
1. a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view.
"most guidebook history is written from the editor's perspective"
synonyms: attitude, frame of mind, standpoint, interpretation, way of looking, approach, point of view
"her perspective on things had changed"
a. true understanding of the relative importance of things; a sense of proportion.
"we must keep a sense of perspective about what he's done"
- late Middle English (in the sense ‘optics’): from medieval Latin perspectiva (ars ) ‘science of optics,’ from perspect- ‘looked at closely,’ from the verb perspicere, from per- ‘through’ + specere ‘to look.’
The majority of us, including myself, look to the support of all those around us all our lives, and when the day finally comes when its time for us to "recognize our purpose", to "get out on our own", our first reaction is confusion, which then leads to stress, depression, anger, and resentment. Or maybe for some of us, I know I felt this, we're so excited at first to feel that first burst of freedom, to feel satisfied with ourselves that we finally did it - and then as soon as that first problem hits - financially (having trouble making rent, can't pay to fill that stupid oil tank that you don't think should exist in modern society, etc.) - or emotionally (your roommate bails on you last minute, your boyfriend leaves you, you leave him, you get fired, etc) - you break down and all those emotions come pile-driving right into your face, the stress, depression, anger, resentment - And then we act out against the very people we were depending on before all this happened (like they don't have problems of their own, like they aren't dealing with the same shit you are) because if you don't understand yourself and you've been living through other people all this time rather than living through yourself, then who else would you look to blame for your confusion, for your distress? Your parents, your siblings, your friends, your lover - when you should look to yourself and set the blame. Not in a bad way. Blame has such a bad connotation attached to it, when really, blame is the first step to the choice of change or the choice of acceptance. Blame is the finger that points out the problem and knowing the problem can lead you to a solution. People and society in general make it about shame, about exposing your mistakes and throwing it in your face - and it works on people who are lost, they get defensive, feel like their self-esteem is being attacked, these are the people who haven't figured out yet that everyone makes choices and everyone makes mistakes and everyone finds one way or another how to deal with it. It's what we do, you can't avoid the necessity of choice.
When faced with a multitude of life's questions, extreme or simple, how do you answer them - you answer them by calming yourself, taking a deep breath, realizing that you are alive and that this is your life - it's yours, nobody else's - and you need to think about who you are, who you need to be, and you need to find strength in yourself - dig deep if you think you don't have any - and make the choice. And know that once you make this choice, it's yours, you own it, and you accept it. Stand by it. Most importantly, remember your reasoning of why you made the choice that you did - remember how things were falling apart and there was no relationship anymore, no love, no passion - remember the details and the time you spent deliberating over what you should do, how you got to that point, did you put in every bit of effort you could and if you didn't, can you still live with that choice even though little effort was made? |
Two weeks ago, my coworker - a very good friend, a smart and talented guy - died in his sleep. He was 42 years old. One day I saw him and the next, we were told that he was gone, and it didn't seem real; like someone was lying to us, like it was some cruel joke that none of us really got. The knowledge of him being gone hasn't changed the fact that I literally struggle to believe it. It's so strange to come to work every day and not see him there. I haven't had the heart to take down his time card. He started this season with us, I keep thinking that we should at least pretend he could finish it too. Some days, when I clock in and I see his time card, I forget that he's never coming back. It's like he's out sick or he took another day off of work to help his father. It just doesn't feel like the world has lost him completely, that we've lost him completely. I get a hard reminder when I sit down at my office desk and see the receipt sitting on my clipboard because I'm not really sure how to file it away. The memo from the check stub that says "Donation to Heath's Funeral" hits me randomly over the course of the day. And then when I look at my jam packed schedule hanging on my office wall, Wednesday, May 3rd stands out with green marker "Heath's Funeral". He would have been with us to the end of all this. And it would have been grand.
You would think these little things, these notes hanging around our place of work would set in some kind of realization, the proof that tells you its real, that he is really gone. It doesn't. He doesn't feel gone.
He was so alive the last time I saw him, which was only the morning before. It's only made life that much more fragile in my mind. Some would say he died because it was just his time, others would say that he died because he was a smoker and didn't take care of himself - To be snuffed out like that; to know that if you go to sleep, you may never wake up; it's not me I would worry about, I imagine dying in your sleep would be the nicest way to go, you wouldn't even be aware of what was happening, you would just stay within your dream forever.
It would be all the people that would mourn my passing, just like we are all mourning now. All the things you would have liked to say to me or not say to me, all the things you would have done differently if you had known that my time was almost up. Then I imagine all the things I would want to say before I was swept away into darkness without the finality of a goodbye, without the closure of an "I love you". I would tell my family to be strong, every person in our family has strong hearts and they know that even though I wouldn't be there, that they could still hold strong together. I would tell them how much I would miss them and that I know they would miss me too. I would tell my mom how precious she is to me and that her heart is the reason behind all the happiness I ever felt in my life. I would tell my daddy that he is the greatest man on this earth and that he should never give up on his dreams, that I am so, so proud of him for every thing he has ever accomplished and for being my best friend, my confidant when I needed him most. I would tell my brothers how grateful I am for them; that without all three of them, I would not have had the strength, the confidence, or the passion to get through all my hard days - they always made everything better in my life. I would tell my friends to come together, stay strong, remember how much I love them and that I know how much they love me. I promise I'm okay and where ever you believe I am, I'm happy. I know I will be wishing you were all there with me, to laugh with me, to help me through, but after all this time, I finally have to get some damn independence! Makes sense that would only happen in death.
<3 To life, to the living, to death, and to the dead.
I have little control over my emotions, but I always have complete control over my behavior. I can name only a few times throughout my entire life where I acted on irrational thought and emotion; certainly none of them are considered my proudest moments, however, I never find myself regretting them. One of them - one that I consider a very important moment in my life - I eventually found closure and luckily, I was forgiven. The actions taken when I was young - while I tried my very best to always consider every option, to consider every point of view - those actions stand out as my learning curve. Had I never experienced them, I could very well be blind to it today. A ticking time bomb. Letting go back then is what keeps everything reigned in for me now.
I would like to say that my emotions and my irrational thoughts were reigned in as well, and to some extent, I guess you could say they are. I try to keep my emotions to myself; they are my burden to bear, and mine alone. People have their own emotions to figure out, it's stressful enough. I can bear mine and his and hers and theirs if I have to. I will bear it because I am strong, I am in control, and I can handle it. Hits I can take. Even when my irrational thoughts and overbearing emotions stand in my way. I have to keep my control, keep my composure, keep my strength. I will keep them, because that's who I am.
Wisdom
All we have are words, hot coffee, and a keyboard; and it's all we really need.
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