And then someone makes you smile, I mean, genuinely smile - your so appreciative and you don't even know it. They don't even know how much you needed it. And all you want to do is return it. Give them more, because out of everyone in all of your life, they noticed you. They saw you. And they cared enough to try. That's what he did for me. And there are a million things I don't know about him, a million things that would be against us, and I have no idea if there is ever a future that has the two of us together, but I don't want to give it up now. I just can't do it.
I can't do it. I just can't. I can't walk away. I can't go back to what I was. I don't want to trade all those beautiful memories and wonderful feelings for the pain and sleepless nights crying into my pillow. I can't go back there, back into the depths that was my darkness. I was so far gone when he found me. My heart was so enveloped with grief and pain, that over so much time, I had to call contentment, but it was really time that made me numb - it was the only way I knew how to cope, to keep breathing, to float through life without recognizing the deep seeded pain every time I saw another couple married or another baby born. Every time I watched people move forward with their lives, while mine stayed stagnant and broken. And that's what I was, broken. I was so convinced that I could never love or be loved again, and that I had nothing more to give. I was so overwhelmed by the past, that moving forward always seemed like an impossibility, that I could never let things go. It never occurred to me just how deep I let my hole get, just how far away I hid my heart from the world, from anyone. I was so numb to everything around me. And then he saw me and pulled me out, he showed me something wonderful and amazing, he gave me purpose and reminded me of what it feels like to let yourself be happy with another person. So how do I let that go? I asked myself before if I was strong enough to go through with this, because it was the right thing to do, because he isn't mine to have, because I'm supposed to let him go through his own trials and figure out what he wants. I'm supposed to be understanding, and I'm supposed to do what's right. But I'm not strong enough. One week, and I fell so far that I've been losing all my rationale. And it's not his fault, its mine. I just can't be the strong one this time, I don't think I have it in me. Falling back into that hole, it was dark and I was so completely alone. I forgot how much it hurts. To come home, day after day, night after night, to an empty apartment - hang the keys, feed the boys, make dinner, take a shower, brush my teeth, crawl into bed, and stare into the darkness until exhaustion takes me - only to wake up alone in the echoing quiet, and to do it again. Just wandering through life, not dead, but not completely living either. That middle place where you just breath, and get through the day.
And then someone makes you smile, I mean, genuinely smile - your so appreciative and you don't even know it. They don't even know how much you needed it. And all you want to do is return it. Give them more, because out of everyone in all of your life, they noticed you. They saw you. And they cared enough to try. That's what he did for me. And there are a million things I don't know about him, a million things that would be against us, and I have no idea if there is ever a future that has the two of us together, but I don't want to give it up now. I just can't do it.
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