How is this going to help me? Its not. It's definitely not. There's this thing that is happening, but its not a thing. Which is good, because it shouldn't be a thing. It's nothing, and its the first time I've really liked nothing. I know this won't make sense to any one but myself, however, some recent events have taken place and some nicely placed compliments have been thrown my way, and I have been renewed on the idea that I'm not just some lost cause going through the motions. That I am attractive, and that my love life hasn't died; that there is hope for me yet. That I can be loved, even when I'm not expecting it. And its sad that it comes from nothing. And by nothing, I mean something (or someone) that can never be, in which case, it is exactly that, nothing. So yeah, it is a little sad that it took nothing to get me moving again. A few nice words from the opposite sex, and someone I trust, and I'm some desperate, stupid child for a whole second until it hits me, this might be what I needed. Maybe it does help me. Maybe, this needed to happen so he can escape for a little bit in a world that isn't monotonous and suffocating, and I get the benefits of someone telling me I'm beautiful for once in my long history of my life where that compliment has basically only ever come from my parents. Remember that ex I told you about? He never said I was beautiful. And in my mind, I think I always compared myself to the woman he took photos of. These beautiful girls that would light up the room, and they were so photogenic, that I always felt I was being added to some kind of checklist; and always being compared and him realizing that I didn't have any of that. I don't wear bright red lipstick and wear fishnet stockings and dress up all the time. That's not me. I like that old timey love, the respectful kind of love. Nothing to gain by being with them, just your best friend who has your back, and you always have theirs. The type of love that makes you get mad on their behalf. The type of love that makes you want to talk to them every day, to wake up next to them, to kiss them when they tell you they missed you, because you know you missed them too. The type of love that brightens your day, no matter how awful it might have been. The type of love that shows you that even if everyone else in the world wasn't there, they would make living worth it. To be worthy of that kind of love, its all I've ever wanted. And when I give it, I want that other someone to feel worthy too.
Another year, and everyone is making resolution lists. It should be "go outside more" or "see friends" since the pandemic took over everyone's lives, but its still the same old things: diet, lose weight, save money. I never understood it really. Don't we make those goals all year long? What difference is a party and a bunch of shots going to change? I used to believe it renewed hope in us to keep trying, which is still vaguely true; but really its how we lie to ourselves - and here I am 30 years later, saying I don't want to lie to myself anymore. So let's keep it at that. Try honesty. I probably won't diet very well, I'll fail over and over again, but I'll keep trying. I probably won't lose weight and feel better about myself as I age and lose my hair, but I'll keep trying. Isn't that what we call living? Keep trying, keep failing, keep hoping, and keep getting up and trying again. Life. The circle of never-ending attempts to be better. And then the picture below just looks so damn familiar. Another evening and another day and another bit of time has passed me by. I just wish I could bring myself to care. I've been pushing so hard to be normal. I do what I know best. I spend time with my family. I spend time with my mother; someone I know has spent time thinking the exact same thoughts I think every day at this point. Drinking away the pain only goes so far. I take pride in being the best aunt I can be, and I know my nephews love me. They admire me, they look up to me. And I figured out why I wake up every day feeling so alone, despite all the love I have in my life. It's me. I am stopping me from finding happiness, from having it in my every day. I've known for a long time. I've known that its easier to help other with their lives then focus on my own; I've known that I am not happy with being myself. My brother says its because I have this mental idea in my head that "I am awesome" and that holds me back. At least, that is how I interpret it. Which is true. I do think extremely highly of myself. How the fuck do I overcome that? How do I bring my own self esteem down to a level that's considered "acceptable". Strange, how, when I am alone, I don't feel that way at all. If only I could explain it properly. I forget everything when I am with my family, when I am hanging with my nephews playing board games, or talking video games. I forget everything I have done the last twenty years of my life. I say twenty since I am not sure I can count the first ten years of my life, however, everything after that is definitely fair game. My entire being has been shaped and built by someone else, someone, as you all know if you've been reading, I gave my entire being to and I never took it back. I never wanted it back. I still don't. Imagine that. I don't even know who HE is anymore and I would still trust him with all of who I am. I would give him anything if he called tomorrow, and I know I would. Amazing. I can't even believe it myself. It's in the music I listen to, the TV I watch, the pop culture I like, the anime I watch, the designs I see in my head, all my creativity, all my growth, was because of him. And what have I been doing? Pining after someone who probably doesn't think of me, literally, ever. I'm pathetic. The funny thing is, I have such a strong side of myself. It can be overpowering sometimes. It tells me to pick myself up, to be stronger, to be better, to shut the fuck up and stop crying, to get my shit together, to figure it out. It motivates me. However, I've found it only lasts as long as I'm angry. I have to be mad at the world, I have to be mad at my circumstances, I have to be so infuriated for a constant period of time; and that just isn't me. I'm not that angry. I'm understanding. I'm rational. I'm empathetic. It clashes with so much of me that says I need to stop being a damn pussy and own up. The voice in my head that says, "you made your choices, now fucking own them" - "you've made you god damn bed, fucking sleep in it and be grateful that's the only shit you have to deal with." My problems are set within myself. I finally let go of my necklace. If I haven't mentioned it before, it was a sterling silver chain with everything that ever meant anything to me. Two of the items are from some of my Christmas' with Peter, and they were such a part of our relationship, I never took it off. For eight years, I wore that necklace. I don't think you can find a picture of me without it. Then I left. And after many months of despair, Brianna bought me another necklace with my initials in it, and it said, "with brave wings she flies" engraved. It was the most endearing thing and most life altering thing that she could have done, because to me, I had just done something so life changing and so difficult, in that moment, it felt like she was the only person who really understood everything I was dealing with, so I added it to my most precious items, that hand right next to my heart. That gave me strength, so I wore it with my past. I put it on my necklace and made that a part of me, of who I was, and who I was going to be. And in nearly eight years, I have not taken that necklace off, it became such a piece of me that I never thought I would let it go. Then my brothers spoke with me and I laid my heart out to them, and they said I needed to let it go. So I let it go. And when I'm alone, I still miss the feel of it around my neck. I never realized how much it gave me comfort, how much I depended on the feel of it. How much I was in love with the symbol of everything I had been through, how much I was in love with my own tragedy, in love with all those hard choices that got me to where I am now. I was so stuck in my own past, that I have no future. And then every time I think I could have one, I realize I never wanted one. I tell myself its not self pity, but at this point, who the fuck knows. Maybe I sadistically and subconsciously need it; to feel something, anything. I remember my nothingness from years ago. I haven't felt it in such a long time, but then I feel like I never really left it. Am I just that crazy? I'm not sure. I never really know where my mind is, and I have way too much alone time to ponder it. Half the time, I don't want to sleep. But then, when I do sleep, I could sleep forever. Seriously, going to bed for me is like losing days; I physically will not get up. I think its subconscious, but I'm no therapist to my own shit.
Every day is a fight, as usual. Keep fighting. For those we love. For those that make our life worth it. Listening to: Until The Day I Die...Story of the Year - classic. Its been so long since I have written like this, sitting on my couch on a fine Friday evening. It brings back such reverie, the moments in my life I thought long forgotten. The nostalgia hits me like a brick to the chest. I remember my better days, and I remember my longing. I reflect on those moments that I felt lost and how a single thought changed my perspective. It was the fact that he was there, not physically, but mentally, he was a part of me and he made me feel like when I was at my complete end, that it wasn't over. As I have told this to myself several times, I know this is my own mind, of what I always viewed him to me - but isn't that amazing? I feel like he would want to know, that as much as we were not as strong in reality, his being was so very strong in my mind. And he still is today. He is always there, and I take comfort in that. I take comfort in the man I knew he was. The man he may not be today, but it doesn't matter who he is, he would never take me back any way, and the real question would always be, would I want him to? The answer is complicated and simple at the same time. I want the man I fell in love with all those years ago, he was smart and charming and he made my dull life feel fun. It wasn't about status back then, we were just trying to make it to the next day, and I would have run that road with him for the rest of my days. Probably why I can't let him go. I have some weird hope that the man I know is somewhere in there. That we'll be forty years old and he'll see who he is and who he wants to be, and I want to be the one that's there. That congratulates him on his success and then we go for a drink, knowing full well that my heart has never let him go. And that's okay, I've got this. I know in this life that I have loved so fully and so deeply than anything is possible. So thank you. Thank you, Peter, for giving me that small bit of hope. I love you. And so we have reached the end of my chapter. Good night.
I'm feeling a mixture of emotions at this moment. There are moments in every person's life on this planet, milestones that show you writing a new chapter in your life, starting something important. Each milestone is usually a momentous occasion- it always starts with the small things for an individual and then it continuously grows and eventually its a celebration of two people together, each with their own milestones being met because of the other person in their lives. This is a very elaborate way of mentioning both engagement and marriage, two very important milestones in a person's life. And one would hope you would only ever want to do it once. So it leads me to my situation at hand. Imagine you've known someone the entirety of your life, you've grown up with them, and thought you were extremely close, even as you got older and didn't often speak, the bond never seemed severed. You just knew that if they called, you would always answer, and if they needed you, there would be no hesitation is immediately getting into your car and driving to where they needed you to be. They're your family, and then you find out they're proposing to their long time girlfriend that you have hung out with a thousand times over the time they've been together, but you're not entirely sure you know her very well because she is extremely quiet and doesn't talk much. And then you find out that after all of a couple weeks of quote-unquote engagement, they're getting married immediately and because of COVID-19 they have to limit majority of their family and keep numbers small for a civil ceremony. And at this point, the thoughts running through your head are based on, "Didn't he just propose, like, three weeks ago?" to "Talk about an extremely quick engagement." to "They already live together, I'm not sure I understand what the rush is?" And then it turns to, "Why would you want to have a wedding if you couldn't have all your family there with you?" Turning again to, "Wow, that sucks, guess it never mattered if you're family was present any way." Which brings me back to the "extremely close" part I was talking about earlier. It's really shitty to find out its one fucking sided. Guess it's because I would stay engaged for an entire year to make sure that he was there at my wedding. But hey, guess its just me, and I once again give way too many shits about the things that happen in this life. Since we only get one, and you hope you only marry once, this milestone must be only important to me, and no one else. Looks like they're planning some big future party next year. We'll see if I feel like "showing up" to celebrate the year old couple. It's like a housewarming after the person has lived in the same house for 10 years. A bit late, isn't it? Ehhh, I'm just bitter as fuck right now. It's so annoying when people make stupid decisions and don't own up to them. COVID my ass. And here is where I was thinking in my head to rationalize this, "if they had been engaged for a year or even 6 months and this was some loose plan that they wanted to get married in the summer of 2020, I would be totally understanding. 1000% COVID becomes a valid excuse, you're not blowing off most of your family, you're excepting the circumstances that presented themselves and handling the situation as best you can. But you've been engaged for such a short time. You can't wait a couple fucking months? Ahhhh, its so fucking annoying. I'm angry, feeling resentful, I'm a little bit heart broken, and extremely disappointed that I thought our relationship was a little bit higher than everyone elses'. That we were a little bit closer than everyone else. That it meant something. But that's on me I guess. From his perspective, he probably doesn't think we're that close at all. Which feels like someone has died and I'm facing the news head on. A week ago, I would have told you that I was doing well. That I was finally moving forward. I would have said that I've made progress. I finally stopped crying in the shower, most of the time any way - [update - not true 12/6/20]. I've been finding some kind of semblance of happiness left that I didn't think I could feel again. And I'm doing it without him. I'm doing it alone, on my own terms, within my own control. Today is a different day. Yesterday was a different day. But it wasn't about me. It was about someone close to me, and it was hard to watch his face, tears clouding the whites of his eyes, as one or two would randomly sneak out and slide slowly down his cheek. And I felt his pain. His anger. His torment. I saw him as I used to see myself. Breaking. Slowly and perceptively breaking as he said, "she's leaving me". It was like a punch to the face, I got light headed from news that was unexpected. Yes, they fought. Yes, they had problems. But who doesn't? Then again, its hard to judge the situation from my perspective. I wasn't married. I didn't have a child. When I had to leave, to walk away from my life, I did it because if we ended up having those things, I knew I wouldn't leave. But this is a family. A unit of two that have come together and created life, that have built something together, that have made decisions and choices that have affected not only themselves, but their child as well; this is supposed to be the choice you only have to make once. At least, you always hope for that. You always hear stories nowadays about people getting divorces and struggling with the change, dealing with custody and alimony and all the other problems that arise when two people can't make their lives together work. I guess it just never occurred to me that it could happen to us, to our family; like we were immune to this struggle because we are such a strong family unit. Obviously, this is an immature thought, but it still doesn't seem real, like how these things happen and the world keeps turning, the world keeps moving on while you're stuck in some past that has been long gone. A sad day, a sad event, a sad change in the circle that is time. I hope we can get through this. Once again, the "unknown" worries me. The unknown future of a little girl who must be split in two. The unknown effects of a brokenhearted man who will now face unknown battles that he was never expecting to have to face. And all I can do it be there for him. All I can do is walk this road with him and hope that I can help him get through all the pain. But this is where I know I will falter. I know this pain, as I've written it here before. I know that I can't walk him through the lonely nights, the harrowing thoughts of what could have been done different, the endless time spent crying in the shower or minutes before we close our eyes to sleep. I've come a long way from my pain, but its always still there, lingering in the back corners of my mind; broken. And I wouldn't wish it on my greatest enemy, or the cruelest person. Its knife's edge is sharp and it cuts deep, and it takes years to overcome the resentment, and the anger, the overwhelming thoughts that don't always lead you to better places. I'm not sure I want to watch how this may unfold, but I know I won't have a choice. He's my brother. I will be here for him. I will run through this violent charade with him as I once did it myself alone. And I will hope that he sees comfort in my efforts, that he finds some kind of light through the darkness. I am wishing for only the best in this.
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Wisdom
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