I see him...and my heart beats faster, my breath catches, and I can't form a coherent sentence. What is wrong with me? I want to cry and smile at the same time. I want to kiss him and tell him that I'll fix it, because that's what I can do. I need to fix this. I'm definitely overwhelming him, which he doesn't need. I'm clearly not okay in this situation. I'm unprepared and unskilled. He needs time. A lot of time. I just wish I wasn't so god damn impatient.
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I don't want to feel anymore. It hurts so much more than it ever did. Why? Or maybe I just don't remember, years of numb contentedness made me forget. Damn, it hurts so god damn much. Mentally, I'm exhausted. I'm so tired. Why can't it ever be easy? I was angry, so very angry- but I wasn't really mad at him, I was mad at myself - I wanted to blame him, I wanted to be mad at him. I was jealous of what he's getting to experience, and mad that I can't experience it with him. I'm mad at circumstance and my head isn't screwed on right. I'm angry that I am in love with someone so fully and so deeply and I still feel so unbelievably alone. The two contradict each other. To have so much fucking happiness, and then to fall so fucking far. Something's wrong with me. I'm just so tired of feeling anything. It's exhausting and I just want it to stop for one second so I can breathe, so I can rethink things. I just need it to stop. He offered me something that wasn't his to give, but I took it nonetheless. This is why these relationships don't work. Why am I so fucking stupid. I know how this fucking ends, and I hate that I hope I'm wrong. Hope. What a fucking waste of time. It makes no rational sense. It confuses every emotion. It haunts my fucking dreams. And it does nothing but squander the only things that are worth living for in this fucked up world. Fucking hope. What a waste of time. I was the other woman. I was the one that let myself fall for something that was never real by any standards, not even my own. I'm an idiot, and I was desperate for love, any kind of love, even the fake kind. Well, I certainly won't make a fuss. I'll be grateful for what I felt, and what I had, despite authenticity, and now I will hold back my tears. I will hold them back until I'm alone- if I can. I'm the only one that needs to suffer through this, it was my own fault for allowing all of it to go as far as it did. I fell too hard into a fantasy, a dream world that felt so real. I even convinced myself that he actually saw me, the real me- to be seen, can you imagine it? Someone who sees who you truly are, despite their knowledge of your lowest of lows and your highest of highs, they see you and the foundation you've built inside yourself- it's all I've ever wanted, it's an amazing feeling and something I wouldn't trade for anything - seems so strange that I didn't realize how impossible that actually sounds, again, not that any of it was real, but it felt real to me, and I figure that has to count for something, right? And trust me, there is an entire part of me that is trying to get out, that is screaming at me - she wants to tell him to fuck off, that she should have never let him talk her into any of it, that he came after her, that he's cruel and he's cut so damn deep, she doesn't think she'll come out again- but that's just the pain talking. That is the projection of my inner heart speaking with so much pain and anguish, that she's almost getting to me- but I have to be stronger than her. We make our own choices. That's what freewill is. He didn't make me do anything. I chose to move forward, I chose to be with him, and now I have to choose to walk away, maybe fairly broken again, but all in all, I'll survive it because I have to.
Because this is what it is to be alive. To feel as deeply as I do right now. This is the purpose of my life, because I have nothing else. I can keep feeling, I just need to do it and keep walking away at the same time. Hold onto my resolve. Should he push me, I will tell him to fuck off, but in the nicest way possible. No, I would never say that to him. I can't be mad at him for my own fucking issues. But it's a nice thought either way. I have to sate my angry side somehow. Imagery is the best possible solution. The long and winding road
That leads to your door Will never d i s a p p e a r I've seen that road before It always leads me here Lead me to your door Many times I've been a l o n e And many times I've cried Anyway, you'll n e v e r know The many ways I've tried But still they lead me back To the long and winding road You l e f t m e s t a n d i n g here A long, long time ago Don't leave me waiting here Lead me to your door ~ THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD BY THE BEATLES ~ I can't do it. I just can't. I can't walk away. I can't go back to what I was. I don't want to trade all those beautiful memories and wonderful feelings for the pain and sleepless nights crying into my pillow. I can't go back there, back into the depths that was my darkness. I was so far gone when he found me. My heart was so enveloped with grief and pain, that over so much time, I had to call contentment, but it was really time that made me numb - it was the only way I knew how to cope, to keep breathing, to float through life without recognizing the deep seeded pain every time I saw another couple married or another baby born. Every time I watched people move forward with their lives, while mine stayed stagnant and broken. And that's what I was, broken. I was so convinced that I could never love or be loved again, and that I had nothing more to give. I was so overwhelmed by the past, that moving forward always seemed like an impossibility, that I could never let things go. It never occurred to me just how deep I let my hole get, just how far away I hid my heart from the world, from anyone. I was so numb to everything around me. And then he saw me and pulled me out, he showed me something wonderful and amazing, he gave me purpose and reminded me of what it feels like to let yourself be happy with another person. So how do I let that go? I asked myself before if I was strong enough to go through with this, because it was the right thing to do, because he isn't mine to have, because I'm supposed to let him go through his own trials and figure out what he wants. I'm supposed to be understanding, and I'm supposed to do what's right. But I'm not strong enough. One week, and I fell so far that I've been losing all my rationale. And it's not his fault, its mine. I just can't be the strong one this time, I don't think I have it in me. Falling back into that hole, it was dark and I was so completely alone. I forgot how much it hurts. To come home, day after day, night after night, to an empty apartment - hang the keys, feed the boys, make dinner, take a shower, brush my teeth, crawl into bed, and stare into the darkness until exhaustion takes me - only to wake up alone in the echoing quiet, and to do it again. Just wandering through life, not dead, but not completely living either. That middle place where you just breath, and get through the day.
And then someone makes you smile, I mean, genuinely smile - your so appreciative and you don't even know it. They don't even know how much you needed it. And all you want to do is return it. Give them more, because out of everyone in all of your life, they noticed you. They saw you. And they cared enough to try. That's what he did for me. And there are a million things I don't know about him, a million things that would be against us, and I have no idea if there is ever a future that has the two of us together, but I don't want to give it up now. I just can't do it. I'm standing at an edge. Falling leads to my demise, to pain, and to suffering; but it also leads to relief, acceptance, and a new journey. I've already fell. What happens if time pushes backwards and you end up back up on the cliff, but you remember everything falling gave you, everything it made you feel? And then you have the stabbing pain of losing it all, of it being ripped away so fast, it steals the breath from your lungs. Would you fall again? How would you let all of that go, and move on? We met, it seems, such a short time ago You looked at me, needing me so Yet from your sadness, our happiness grew And I found out I needed you too I remember how we loved every day I recall those rainy days The fire's glow, that kept us warm... And now I find, we're both alone Goodbye may seem forever, farewell is like the end But in my heart's the memory, and there you'll always be. Damn, I am dramatic. It hasn't even been a full week yet, and it's like I'm drowning all over again. I spend most of my time convincing myself not to text him, not to bother him, not to tell him how I'm feeling. He's so damn good at hiding it- I've always been inside our little bubble, I never thought about what it would be like stuck on the outside of it. He shows nothing, its like we never happened. And every time I think of it, I want to break out into tears, but I hold it back. I push them down, because it's not his problem, right? It's mine. I'm the idiot who wanted to live in a dream. Then I get so angry, that it's so unfair, that I finally find some semblance of happiness and I have to give it all up and just move on. I don't want to go back to being broken. I don't want any of it to come back. It was so lonely, it hurt so much- but then it feels like I'm falling right back into my hole. It's like it was a dream, and waking up to reality is this horrible nightmare. I fucking can't stand this. I'm doing all I can not to lash out, not to hate everything, not to be miserable...I'm doing all I can not to lash out at him, not to be mad - because its not on him, its on me and rationality tells me that this is very simple, we cut ties of intimacy, but he took it to a whole other level and I'm jealous. I'm jealous that he can turn it off. That he can hide it so well when I'm screaming inside about to burst at the seems. I'm mad he's better at this then me. I'm the one walking away, I should be strong behind my decision, I should be better, I should be understanding. But the decision was so forced, I was never a thousand percent behind it. I'm doing it for him, because I don't know what's right, but I know I can't make him choose his life or what he wants. I can't change what is, only what could be. He's with someone else. He's about to be a father, for God's sake, and I'm over here whining about my stupid emotions and bitching about how he can hide his shit better than me. I'm such an asshole. For someone who is supposed to be understanding and empathetic, I'm being pretty fucking selfish... I need a drink.
Here we are. The end is finally here. I say that as if I was waiting for it. Truth be told, I've been dreading it. I've never wanted anything as badly as I want this to last, to stay in this little corner of forever, to just feel something good and wonderful. I don't want it to end- but to my complete and utter dismay, it has to. It should have never begun. And here is where I sink back into my little dark hole, and I spend my time crying myself to sleep instead of building excitement to wake up in the morning. Amazing how a few placement of words from the right person, a person that seems to see who I am with little to no effort, would end up being the one person I can never have. The one person I have knowingly stolen an abundance of time from, while his heart belongs to another. And now my heart belongs to him, a cruel twist of fate to rest this on my shoulders now. All my choices have led me here, and I need to make it right. I need to make the choice, once again- I need to stand up and walk away. I will once again be the first to say goodbye. It's starting to look like a habit for me. This time is different then before, the circumstances are different since he was never mine to begin with, however, its still a choice that I will make. Question will be, am I strong enough to do it? Can I let him go? Finally, after all this time, walk away from this unorthodox affair? The memories are so vivid in my mind, so clear. The first time he kissed me. The passion that sparked between us- something that seemed to always be there but was never realized until that very moment. The first time we laid together, with his arms wrapped around me. I haven't felt so content, and so overwhelmingly happy in such a long time. To love someone as deeply as I do this man, its the same amount of pain I will feel when I force myself to walk away. And I will deal with it as I always have. I will face my pain, and I will do everything in my power to understand it and accept it for what it is. I'll do it all over again- say goodbye and do all I can to move on, to let go. Remember all the good things, and do it knowing that his happiness as well as my own are the only things that will matter. He needs to find his own happiness (and he's going to do all he can to find it with her) and I need to go back to pacing through my life, go back to attempting some semblance of happiness alone. I believe him when he says he loves me, I really do; but there are all different kinds of love that make us, and our love for each other is different. I am his escape, the one who offers him love and comfort because he cannot find it at home, and with very slight hesitation on my part in the beginning, I gave it willingly and openly. He is my enlightenment, he showed me that I wasn't broken, that my future is something that could hold wonderful things. And the events that have come and gone throughout our time together (one in particular that I thought would break me down so thoroughly, I wouldn't survive it) have been just that, events - events in our lives where choices were made and the physical and emotional strain have been bearable, because I love him; because all that he has given me emotionally, physically, and mentally has been so much more powerful than anything else - it trumps everything. That's how grateful I have been, and how appreciative I am of all that he is, and all he was willing to share with me, even when he shouldn't have, when it wasn't mine to have. Our timing was so perfect and yet so terrible too - All this time, while he has been struggling with the hope and dreams of another future with someone else, he's used me as his escape to help him face it while still being loved and understood, while my reasons have always just been about finding happiness, any type of happiness, before I collapse into nothingness. And his hope for this other future, the hope that things might change and the woman he has been with for so long may rediscover who they used to be - as long as he holds that hope, I cannot interfere - I cannot be what he uses while he waits for her to figure things out or while he figures out he doesn't want to wait anymore.
No matter the choice I make, I will lose. I will lose everything, again. And I cannot hate him for it, and I cannot judge him for it - I will not. How long did I hold onto the hope that Peter and I would live out the future we always talked about; how long did I wait for him to open his eyes and see what we had together? How long did I hope for? How many sexless nights? How many arguments? And all I wanted was to fix it, to make it better, to stay with him and hope he would see the light, that one day he would wake up and see me. And then, after months and months of crying myself to sleep and him seemingly unfazed, and I did finally get tired enough to leave, how quickly did I run back to him? How fast did I realize that I still had hope for a future that didn't exist? And then, when I finally thought I had moved on, only to get one text from him that sent me over to his house? How long did I spend my days pining after a man I didn't even know any more? A very long and miserable time. So I know that feeling. I know what he would be giving up; this man who has given so much to me. He'd be giving up comfortability, familiarity, something stable even if it isn't right, even if he isn't completely happy. A future with me would be new and fresh, but it would also be untested, untried, and unfamiliar. He has no idea what it would be like to live with me, to handle my mood swings, the things I like or don't like. And I don't know him that way either, I don't know what would make him angry or upset, what would set him off or rub him the wrong way. It's something you learn after time upon time, with conversations and arguments, when your love is tested and you pull through, but its eventuality relies on being together and facing it. Something we cannot do. A part of me wants to do what other people might do in this situation - wear the situation thin, keep selfishly taking, bitch and scream, tell him to leave her, to choose me, tell him how unfair this all is, and how vulnerable I'll become when this ends and I see him trying everything to make it work with her. But I have never been like everyone else. I would never do any of that. I would never ask him for something he would never choose for himself. I would never force myself into a situation without knowing my outcome, without knowing that everyone else would be happy on the other side, even if it means that my happiness is sacrificed. I would never make him choose. Let's talk about beginnings. Humans are defined by titles throughout their lives - how they are identified to each other from when they are very young to when they pass on; and that identification is how an individual can break themselves apart as well. To identify as something more than just yourself. When you are young, you have a new name, but you are identified as "Daughter" or "Son" - and with siblings, you become "Sister" or "Brother" - and extended family, you are "Niece" or "Nephew" or "Cousin" - and since you know no better (this is the first time in your life where you are identified by someone other than yourself, but we have to start somewhere). Then you grow, and soon you identify as "Friend"...or Foe, for that matter (not everyone likes everyone) as well as your initial identification (Daughter/Son, etc.) - in my case, we'll stick with "daughter". Then you grow more, and you identify as all the above and you add "Student" - "Athlete" and eventually "Girlfriend/Boyfriend/Lover" - and this is where things can get distorted. We need to be very careful at this transition here. These are labels we identify as our true selves, who we are and how we are recognized as such. It is not representation of what others think of us. The labels would be far more ridiculous and the list far longer. And the list only keeps growing, however, its recognizing how we identify ourselves versus what others identify us as such versus what we think others identify us as. The habit of assumption always gets in the way of these things, and its important to recognize that you don't have the ability to read thoughts or really understand and know first hand how another person's mind works, so stop trying. Moving on. We then grow into ourselves as adults - possibly still recognizing our identities as a "Student" and/or an "Athlete" but now opens the possibility for more; the more you have grown and accepted more labels and identities, the more your mind can handle and accept. The experience your mind has accumulated and absorbed over your very first 20 years of life have only shaped the identities you know and even the ones we don't always want to acknowledge. Meanwhile, you've turned into "Renter" and "Car Owner" and "Employee" and "Platinum Audible Member" and "Best Friend" and "Babysitter" and "Happy when you go out, but miserable when you're home alone" - At this point, you may have taken on "Drug Abuser" or "Alcoholic" or sometimes we try to put a happy spin on it and call ourselves "Heavy Partiers" and "Functioning Alcoholics" - but those are things that shape you, they make you struggle and force your mind to experience and try and push and fight. Your body always wants to survive, its literally your body's job - to keep the heart pumping, your brain running, your blood coursing, and your skin healing. And then through all of the experience and life changing moments that have altered how you see the world - still excluding how others identify you - "Girlfriend" becomes "Wife" and/or "Mother" and you become "Auntie" and "Homeowner" and there's always the possibility of "Divorcee" or "Widower" and so on and so forth. The point to all of this is to break down all the roles you play in your life and how you create your existence surrounding them. This is okay, its normal to departmentalize who you are into these roles. When you're a "Mother", you're a different person then when you're out at Girl's Night and you're playing "Best Friend" - these roles identify and define the mass of who we are. And they keep adding and adding - new roles form and become a part of who you are. You just need to remember what roles are REAL and what roles are built in your mind because you were afraid or nervous or unsure. Don't let those roles overwhelm the reality of who you are, don't let them blind you. Old "Foes" might identify you as "Liar" but only you can recognize if that label is true to you or not. And don't be afraid of the truth. The truth opens your mind to the possibility of change or if you don't want to change, then ownership. Own who you are - but you have to recognize it and acknowledge it before that can ever happen. I'm not sure how I feel right now. I'm sad, but I'm not exactly sure why. I feel torn into different directions, not sure how I should approach certain things that are happening in my life. Some of them, I don't want to face yet. Others, I want to run into them head first and hope the best comes out of it. ...but then, i do not run...I don't run away, and I don't run right in. I stay stagnant, thoughtful, and reserved. Hoping I can separate the fact from the fancy, the right from the wrong, the black and white from all that is grey. And then sometimes, I end up finding the right solution right in front of me all along. And then sometimes, I don't.
"...and you were just like the moon, so lonely, so full of imperfections - but just like the moon, you shined in times of darkness." -Unknown That last part isn't true for me. I'm always looking back. How could I not? When I give, I'm all in - "all in" isn't based on anything other than my own feelings and exactly what I have control over. "All in" is allowing myself to fall so hard that they could love someone else, and I would still be there - or if the love is unrequited. I believe that this Rob person is holding the respect he deserves, and that is something else. We always look back, Rob. If you're really "all in" - we, the people who love deeply, but also know how to love ourselves just as well - we always look back; because people like us, have to always remind ourselves of why we left. It's easy to get caught up in the romantic fantasies that we create in our heads, so very easy to believe in something that we want to see rather than what is really there. The rational want to believe in fairytales, and sometimes our dreams get the best of us; but then our mind sets us straight and we respect who we are, just as we always have. Doesn't mean we don't indulge every once in a while. We are the ones that have to look back; because loving someone so fully isn't about walking away and never looking back, its not about running away or forgetting - its about respecting them as a human being, and really, we'll just be happy that they're happy, and hope that we can feel, again, as overwhelmed with love as when we were with them.
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